Making a Change:

I don't feel overly confident in myself today.

There are plenty of reasons, but I don't want to talk about it, I really don't.


Sci Tech thing was moved to next Wednesday even though I expressly asked that he not give me that day.

whatever. as long as it gets done.

Going to watch the Little Mermaid, because I feel like it. Maybe put me in a better mood? or at least put me to sleep. Either way. I wish I was Ariel sometimes. :/
/pout.

ANYway. yeah. done with that

I suppose an update is required for the past few days.

Too bad! ha!

Here is a random thought update though:

How do you write PAGES on ceramics? seriously. I went into the class to learn to make pots and cups, not freaking write an essay.

I wish I wasn't broken right now. I really do. Every time I think about him, I just push it away back into the closet where it belongs. Looking back, it was over when he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. That is when I started hating him.



Kind of feel sort of isolated.

I want to go to dove creek. : /
Grandma french toast, grandpa coffee. Cousin parties. Friend basketball (which I loose soooooo horridly at, the only reason we won last time was because Eric cheated).


I successfully made a base of a teapot today! rejoice and admire my 1337 skillz. XD haha. I can't do that very well really

Learned Ceasar's code the other day. Tis pretty cool!



Stephanie sent a code to her uncle in prison, I think they are going to take the letter away because of it...they don't like that.

I want more soda! caffineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!



another thing I want for my birthday- starbucks cards...or ingredients to make starbucks drinks :O!

And mom said to start stocking up on herbs. okay mom. I shall.


my latest music obsession: Breaking Benjamin.


I have music phases. Last one was muppets. The one before was Fiona Apple.

Oi. Think that's it
:D

I'm shaking.

I NEED to go to Dove Creek. Mom NEEDS to stop telling me no.

Have to get away. Need to get away.


Really, I can't take this. He's everywhere but no where. He won't go away.



There is no way I can keep living like this. I. Can't. Do. This.






Then on top of that, mom keeps having money talks with me. I'll fsking get a job. okay?

So.

I don't get to go to Casa Bonita now.

I was TOLD by my mother LAST WEEK that we were going tomorrow. But, apparently it was moved up without my knowledge. Therefore, I don't get to go with my family because of this essay I put off because I THOUGHT I would be able to do it today without having any problems.

and no one in my family freaking cared to ask me. I TOLD my mom that I was doing my essay today. RIGHT TO HER FACE.

Add that to the crampage


I'm friggen PISSED OFF.



way to make me feel wanted, guys.


edit: Just called, and she said the plan was casa bonita TODAY the entire time and tomorrow was the family dinner.

could have informed me?
I was told thursday. whatever. quiet house I guess? and my siblings rubbing this in my face, but whatever, right?

Went to bed way early last night. Didn't do any of my homework.

I dreamt about him again.

It's really tiring, how someone who hurt you so much still has the ability to make an impact on your life.

I want it to stop.

Since I can't be with him, I want to be able to let go completely.

Every morning I wake up hoping he'll be there waiting for me at the school's entrance, but he will never be there again. Never, ever.


Things will never be the same, but I suppose I ought to try to stop thinking about it.
I would love it to be so easy.

The bed is never quite as warm as it should be anymore.
It's harder to talk to others with confidence.
Time goes much slower.
Everything seems wrong.

Or maybe it's just me.

( complain, complain, yack, yack )

Reading:
Catch-22
Freakonomics
Hitler's Niece

Watch:
Rest of Dragonball GT
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
something else of interest?

Homework:
Calculus
Lang (finish Freakonomics...)
Human Geo (notebook)
Chem (Labs, 7b WA)

I think that is all I need to do this weekend. Nice list, neh? :D

I retract my prior statement (from two days ago).

I need five years or so, kay?
kay.

It WAS Steven

haha.

He was bragging about it to Chris.
Chris is my friend (I adopted him as brother).
Hello Steven. Thanks for making life hell :D
I hope karma kicks you in the butt.


As for Eric, I wrote him a farewell letter. Yes. It was MY conclusion to this relationship. Gave him my journals that are filled with him and memories from him.

Just tying all loose ends.

Dropped by Chem office this morning, told Maz about Eric. Told her why I dressed up.

Geology, I talked with Alyssia. We are going to try and do something on friday...hopefully. Get my mind off things.
Math...Eric was an ass. I gave him my letter and journals saying "humor me" and he spit back "It won't help anything." I told him "Wrong, it will help me." He glared at me. I told him not to. Told him (though I don't know if he heard me) that he's an asshole and that he and Steven make a fine couple.

Almost cried. Got over it and got to math. Raced out of the classroom as fast as I could. Ben and Chris were there to take me somewhere of my chosing. We went to Old Chicago. I ate a bit (though I was feeling sick in chem later : /). Learned of Steven and his puppetry of the Eric-puppet.
I laughed. It was...exactly as I thought. Chris tried to convince me that Steven brags about things that he didn't do, but ...I'm sure he did. You can't go from loving someone one day to practically hating them the next.

It has Steven written all over it.
And the fact that Eric was talking to other girls just amplified it.

Eric knows I have this account, though I don't know if he'll read it. He'll hate that I'm badmouthing his friend. But ...what kind of friend badmouths you when you're not around? = steven.

You know, I've done all I can. If he isn't convinced that Steven is just using him by now, he never will be. /shrug

While I would have liked it to end better, I suppose that hatred is what he holds for me now. That means that I should just hold my head up. I'm better than them. I don't tell lies to my friends, or to those I care about. I'm leaving this relationship knowing that I did nothing wrong. all my actions were justified and I kept my promises.
And...it makes me feel better knowing that.

Though I'd feel so much better if I could just punch Eric and Steven in the face. I'd love to, but I'd get in trouble.
Even though Eric and I broke up, I'd still like to be on his family's good side.
I'm being vengeful but ...if I don't do anything mean, I'm sure his family will make him feel a little guilty. I wonder what he told Rachel. And Gail. Heck, him mom. "Oh yeah, I found someone new." or "Steven told me to" or "We just don't like each other anymore" or "we always fight" (which was one of the excuses he gave me...but he even admitted to me one day that he liked fighting as long as it came to a good conclusion...aka we were closer or finally figured out something).

I don't know. I have a lot to say, but don't know exactly how to put it... whatever.

/done

edit: though you probably would not have KNOWN my hypothesis because that is in a private entry a day or two ago >.> which I shall make friends only for your viewing pleasure.

http://veggie-runt.deadjournal.com/123492.html

today
I am staying home from church
I am finishing my chemistry homework whether I like it or not.
keep busy, Rei, keep busy.

at five I'm returning Eric's things whether he is home or not. I'd prefer that he is home so that I don't have to really talk to his parents. I really couldn't bear that now.

It feels so unreal. This morning I woke up and thought of Eric. at first I forgot. Then I remembered and all of it was real again. All the hurt was real again.

I don't expect to stay long, maybe five minutes or so due to my crying. He'll probably try for a hug, like he always does when things happen like this. I don't want it. Unless he's going to say "I'm sorry" I don't want to touch him. I can't.

Goodness. I really suck. Oh well. I guess dorms are an option now, neh?


and, to be morbid and quote my favorite movie of all time (double points!)
"When Buttercup heard the news she was devistated. She went to her room and shut the door. For days she nither slept nor ate.
'I shall never love again.'"

except I will eat...I like food too much not to. and I can't function without sleep so I will be doing that too. not much, obviously. last night I went to bed around...two. woke up at seven. I'm fuctioning quite well. besides...the hole in my chest and the engorged stomache. But I suppose under the circumstances that's great.
took some stuff for my stomache so I won't get ulcers (though I'm sure I already have a few).

._. that's all I guess

I can't sleep.
I'm afraid that if I go to sleep, I'll never wake up.
not that I haven't already asked for that, but I guess I have a little life left in me.

I feel really sick. and sad. Crushed really. It's another girl. He likes another girl and would rather chance it with her than stick with me.

Frankly, I knew this would happen. Not to be egotistical or anything, I did. I just didn't believe myself again. Kept telling myself no, no, not me.

I was happy that way.
Now I'm sitting here in bed and everything reminds me of him. The sheets, the books, the smells.

He gave me a necklace for christmas. It said "remember happiness forever"
I guess it was a lie.

I'm returning his things tomorrow. I can't keep them. I was going to wear his pajama pants to bed, but remembered him. I burst out crying. God, I haven't cried this much in years.

Was I really that worthless to him? We were fine three days ago. to my knowledge at least.

He promised he wouldn't break it off. If we were going to break up it would be becuase I said so.
I remember the way we would talk about the future, you know? Like what we wanted to do. He wanted to be a Kenpo instructor. His eyes lit up when he talked about it.

what am I going to do? Math class will be almost unbearable. Lunch will be five times worse. I miss lunch.

I know this will stir up a slew of "omg rachel!" responses, but I really don't want to breathe anymore. I can't. It's too much like him. The way he would hold me. We'd just sit there and everything would be okay. Everything would be okay.

He want's to be friends, but I can't. I can't. It hurts too much. I can't handle it.

When you give so much of yourself to a person, you hope that they'll take care of it. Well, now I'm broken. And this is the last time. I can't bear it any more.

I love(d) him.
And I lost him.

04/13/04- 12/30/06

goodbye and goodnight