Making a Change:

So, there hasn't been an update in a while. This kind of saddens me.

Right now I'm living out of a suitcase at my parent's house. I'm temporarily residing there so I can babysit a couple kids. It is good money for just waking them up, feeding them, and taking them to their respective camps.

Next week school starts up for me again. I honestly can't wait. Just working all the time really gets tiring. Though it has been nice getting twenty hours a week. Nice paychecks...

Anyway. Ben might be (actually it's almost certain: I just don't want to jinx it) getting a job at Dish Network. This is good. I have a toothbrush at his house now. IT'S A BIG DEAL. Actually it's not really a big deal.


Now. I visited Sam and Riley yesterday. I love visiting them! However, this morning I get a text from Sam. Eric (you know, cheated on me, left me [twice!], said he wanted to get back with me then dumped me a day later: that Eric) has asked her out. I realize a lot of what happened between him and I is my own damn fault and I should stop being so...crazy over it, but still.
I mean, I love Sam to death. If he makes her happy, so be it. I just hope that he has changed and that he endeavors to deserve her.

Plus, I really still want karma to kick his ass.

ANYway.
I guess I should say that I passed all my classes last semester. Passed being a relative term for Calculus III. I'm hoping Diff EQ is easier than that, but you never know. I'm hoping with a lot of work and determination I can pull my GPA to a 3.0 and pass everything well from here on out. Maybe ask for Saturday evenings off so that I can spend time with Ben at least once a week, then maybe friday evenings with my family... Pretty sure that my life will turn into a schedule again as soon as fall semester starts. Hate it, but that's the way it goes.

Pretty happy though about this next week. I get TWO days off. Super awesome, I think. Monday and Thursday. Need to get times switched with somebody on friday since I can't open seeing as I babysit Blake and Rory in the mornings...

Anyway. Life is good.

Cheers

So I was just in D'Corazon with my dad and some co-workers. Food was great, by the way.

BUT. We were leaving and ERIC PETERSON pretty much runs into me.

Good day to bad day in two seconds flat. I glare at him, he notices.

I hope he never goes there again. Wes said if he ever shows up, I can hold his hand and pretend we're dating.

I have a really hard time with my friends being friends with Eric.

And sam had her baby! Congrats Sam!

Born on Thursday at 10 pm.
She's cute, I must say.

So Eric decided to IM me last night.

Generally when he does this he wants to brag about something (and I'm not being mean, it has happened every time). First it was his job, second it what his car, this time it was a girlfriend.

It kind of makes me angry.
This time I remembered to block him before he disappeared from my buddy list.

BLEH

Couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned for a good two hours before I finally fell asleep, then I kept waking up.
However, I have a good feeling about today. Today will be excellent.

and good riddance!

:D

I just re-opened the tin of things that I kept of Eric and I's stuff. A bear, two necklaces, earrings, conversations, and ticket stubs.

Upon taking the papers out, I got a paper cut. Probably a warning from the powers that be.

I might keep one necklace- without the charms that adorn it (which are quite ugly, I must say).

I really don't know what to do with the bear. It's in good condition...maybe send it to goodwill? I don't know. All I know is that it's got to go.

Tomorrow I work alone. yuck. Going back to Golden right after work.

And I just cleaned my room here, so I might actually enjoy coming back to it.



blah. Bed equals now.

Mmmmm disjointed entries.

Well, in aphg meeting today, Ryan sat behind Michelle and I even though there were plenty of seats.


Guess who I drove behind most of the way home.

Eric.

He even waved.

/kill.

Then I suppose he was talking to whoever was in the car about who I was. Most of the way was left saying "please turn here, please get out of my lane." and the sort.

Still get the upset feeling in my stomach around him. girglegirglejerkgirgle. like that.

gawd.

needtoleavethisplace. too many super-happy things that I would rather forget.


better now though. Just needed soda to get the jitters away.

Today was...kinda sucky.

Woke up after having a very graphic dream that contained Eric. Continuously through the day I kept thinking about it and it made me upset : /

Lang was...special. People were bashing Mines. I had to speak up because they were only talking about the situation, not the learning environment. They were being completely biased.

I hate it when people are like that.


Human Geo was...okay I suppose. Before I got to class I caught michelle leaving. Kinda got worried because she looked very tired and distressed. Only three hours of sleep does that for you...

Got sent to the dean for the Unexused absences to the class I shouldn't have had. Got a little upset about that. They are fixing it so hopefully it will be okay by tomorrow. If not...I don't even know.

Third I spent with Cindy. She told me about her trip to Subway and seeing Eric with some girl. Told her that he apparently is desperate and is throwing himself at any girl.
Went to Chipotle.
"Accused" michelle of being pregnant. XD

fourth...I managed to make a teacup. ALSO made a really hella thick pot going to probably trash it. It...is craptacular.

On the way home, saw Eric driving.
I almost cried.


That on top of that dream last night...yeah.

blankity blank blank:
hope to hear from you again sometime soon

While you had the best intentions, sir, talking to me was not the best idea.

I'm going to end up crying tonight.







I merely needed to say happy birthday to you in order to get you off my mind.

I'm shaking.

I NEED to go to Dove Creek. Mom NEEDS to stop telling me no.

Have to get away. Need to get away.


Really, I can't take this. He's everywhere but no where. He won't go away.



There is no way I can keep living like this. I. Can't. Do. This.






Then on top of that, mom keeps having money talks with me. I'll fsking get a job. okay?

I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

GO FUCK YOURSELF.



I HOPE WHEN YOU FUCK HER ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS ME.










I HOPE YOU DIE.

edit: oh, he's dating someone now.

quistis squall: now that I am back with steven I am going to be doing a lot more with him so I really dont know what is going on at the moment





I don't even care that his SN is in full view. He disgusts me.


IHATEYOU. I wish I never met you. Just because I don't get along with your stupid fucking friends, you see it fit to ruin everything. Every time you said "I love you" you fucking lied.

You are an asshole.

As simple as that.
You fucking prick.

Go fuck your "best friend" and see if he's better than me.
When you find yourself missing me, I'll be long gone.

Ihateyou. Ihateyou. Ihateyou. Ihateyou.


._. alone.

Today was eventful.
spent the night at Sam's. She...has been very suportive and even though she was the girl Eric HAD cheated on me with...it's really hard to explain.
we're just going to skip that.

ANYway. she...made me feel loads better (not that everyone else hasn't of course!) by just refusing to talk about Eric with me. Every time I tried she was just like "Rachel..." and gave me this look. After all, that's what I have a blog for, eh?

watched movies. Left a few there for her to watch. She hasn't seen Walk the Line which is...fantastic. I'm sure that's not EXACTLY how June and Johnny got together, but the actors chosen for them were perfect (and Reese has a better singing voice than June did :D haha).

Got home. Ben and Caley were online. Both asked to do something. To be fair, I went with Ben first because he DID ask first. Caley I am seeing tomorrow. :D yaaay. imisscaley

Ben took me to Blockbuster where we chose out three movies. Little Miss Sunshine, Lucky Number Slevin, and The Whore's Son. Went to Ben's house.

It was awkward. I asked Ben if anyone else was home. "no, just Chris, Jenn, and us." so I went to see Chris really quick because it's been a while. I walk in and freaking ERIC AND STEVEN are on the floor. I ignore Eric and Steven. Walk up to Chris, give him a hug, and walk out.

I was doing so well.

After being at Sam's house, I was really not thinking about Eric as much. Well, at Blockbuster when Ben asked when I saw movies I answered him truthfully with the "I saw it with Eric" but it was more of a "yeah, saw it. next movie" type thing. You know?

But...after that and SEEING how he didn't give a shit, I just got pissed off.
Still want to stab him in the face.
I emailed him the other day telling him to stop acting like I was the one that broke up with him. He has blocked me, he won't return my emails, even after he said he wanted to be friends. It pisses me off. He was lucky I was even trying to be CIVIL let alone FRIENDS.
ughhh.

But the rest of the evening was fun. Messed around with Chris, Ben, and Jenn (chris' girlfriend). Sooo much fun I tell you.

Ben got out the pictures. I found one with Eric and I curled up under a blanket. It was...cute. I remember it. Those were the times when I thought that nothing could stop me, you know?
I was invincible.


But...I am still. I'll beat this...eventually. Until then I'll be whining. It's funny because I know I'll look back and be like " oooohhh the angst" or "ugggggh I was such a whiney little girl" but at least I know that now, right?
( This is Eric-based. watch out )

so...after all that. Mom read my last blog in the wrong context. She got mad at me. Being upset already, I walked out of the house.
I honestly didn't know exactly where I was going at first, but I knew I couldn't go home just then.
Then only one person came to mind: Eric.
I knew I wasn't on THAT great of terms with him, but I was with his family so it was okay.

I walked to walmart to warm up. Called home to tell my brother where I was. Told him I'd end up at Aunt Janet's or Sam's. Whoever came first.

Made it to Smokey hill and Gunclub (the one that is no longer connected to the main road...by Albertsons) and this couple came by and gave me a ride. Dropped me off right by Eric's house.

Came by, Eric's dad gave me a look of disbelief. Sat by the doorway curled in a ball, Eric came up and we just sat there. He wanted to cheer me up, so he took me downstairs and showed me this thing with final fantasy and burger king. It was kinda funny.

We talked. He..said he still loves me, but he can't trust me. I still don't understand how he can't trust me when it's really something so little. He did things five times worse to me multiple times and I still trusted him. Sure, ALL the trust still wasn't there, but it's only been a year. what can you expect from me?

He made it very clear he still loved me.
I just wish he would trust me again.
He told me to go to Sam's because staying there would make us both worse than before.
I still don't agree with that, but whatever he wants to think.

Dad called. Erik called. Aunt Janet called. Went to Aunt Janet's house afterword. She talked to me. Gave me warm clothes. I tried watching a movie with my cousin but I fell asleep. Three hour nap.

Woke up...mom had called. She said it was up to me to call. But..after she got mad at me this morning for really no reason (I know that was typed wrong, but everyone knows I didn't mean it LIKE THAT) I honestly have no desire to talk to her. She came up, I said hello. She didn't answer until I looked at her. She asked how I was, I said "okay, you?" and she just walked away. WTF?
I'm sorry you took that wrong, but it's NOT my fault. YOU decided to read what was on my screen (which horridly invaded my privacy btw).

I edited the entry to what I MEANT. But, it's not like she's talking to me anyway so ...whatever.

At least I clarified things with Eric today, neh?
Though...it still makes me wonder what went on through his head that made it such a big deal but...i'llgetoverit.
I think.

But...I'm glad things went like that today.

Got in an accident.
front end is all bent up.

Having a breakdown.
My parents are not being sypathetic.
at all.

My mom makes it worse by saying "Bad things happen all at once, and they usually come in threes". I know she means well, but...that isn't what I need right now.



I really need a hug right now, and the one that I need it from doesn't want to talk to me.

I have gotten over the first step.
I have decided not to even try asking him what went wrong.

He has given me a new answer every time.

anyway.
I mean...I still want him. there is still the longing. but that should go away as time passes.

If I was like that, tonight would be the perfect night for a one-night-stand.

but I'm not.

I'll just get over this on my own.
hiding in chemlab worked.

You know what is funny though?
I saw him looking at me through the window over the entrance to the school. In calc, I caught him staring several times.

It's funny.
he brought it upon himself though. not my fault dear, not my fault.

He said he couldn't trust me anymore. Then expected to be friends still.
sorry, hun. I don't walk that way. You can't trust me, I can't even be your friend.


The End. Good day sir.


um...
heeeh

lah.
<3

It WAS Steven

haha.

He was bragging about it to Chris.
Chris is my friend (I adopted him as brother).
Hello Steven. Thanks for making life hell :D
I hope karma kicks you in the butt.


As for Eric, I wrote him a farewell letter. Yes. It was MY conclusion to this relationship. Gave him my journals that are filled with him and memories from him.

Just tying all loose ends.

Dropped by Chem office this morning, told Maz about Eric. Told her why I dressed up.

Geology, I talked with Alyssia. We are going to try and do something on friday...hopefully. Get my mind off things.
Math...Eric was an ass. I gave him my letter and journals saying "humor me" and he spit back "It won't help anything." I told him "Wrong, it will help me." He glared at me. I told him not to. Told him (though I don't know if he heard me) that he's an asshole and that he and Steven make a fine couple.

Almost cried. Got over it and got to math. Raced out of the classroom as fast as I could. Ben and Chris were there to take me somewhere of my chosing. We went to Old Chicago. I ate a bit (though I was feeling sick in chem later : /). Learned of Steven and his puppetry of the Eric-puppet.
I laughed. It was...exactly as I thought. Chris tried to convince me that Steven brags about things that he didn't do, but ...I'm sure he did. You can't go from loving someone one day to practically hating them the next.

It has Steven written all over it.
And the fact that Eric was talking to other girls just amplified it.

Eric knows I have this account, though I don't know if he'll read it. He'll hate that I'm badmouthing his friend. But ...what kind of friend badmouths you when you're not around? = steven.

You know, I've done all I can. If he isn't convinced that Steven is just using him by now, he never will be. /shrug

While I would have liked it to end better, I suppose that hatred is what he holds for me now. That means that I should just hold my head up. I'm better than them. I don't tell lies to my friends, or to those I care about. I'm leaving this relationship knowing that I did nothing wrong. all my actions were justified and I kept my promises.
And...it makes me feel better knowing that.

Though I'd feel so much better if I could just punch Eric and Steven in the face. I'd love to, but I'd get in trouble.
Even though Eric and I broke up, I'd still like to be on his family's good side.
I'm being vengeful but ...if I don't do anything mean, I'm sure his family will make him feel a little guilty. I wonder what he told Rachel. And Gail. Heck, him mom. "Oh yeah, I found someone new." or "Steven told me to" or "We just don't like each other anymore" or "we always fight" (which was one of the excuses he gave me...but he even admitted to me one day that he liked fighting as long as it came to a good conclusion...aka we were closer or finally figured out something).

I don't know. I have a lot to say, but don't know exactly how to put it... whatever.

/done

edit: though you probably would not have KNOWN my hypothesis because that is in a private entry a day or two ago >.> which I shall make friends only for your viewing pleasure.

http://veggie-runt.deadjournal.com/123492.html

I can face him.
I won't back down.
I can do this.
I can do this
I can do this
I can do this
I can do this

I hope I can do this.


He'll be sorry. One day he'll look back and he'll regret this. He'll regret letting me go.

and one day, I won't care anymore.

but today is not that day.

today the wound is fresh
luckily, I have wrappings for it
wrappings to die for.

luckily I have classes in one general area today. my feet are going to hate me :O
but if I'm going to be depressed and sad, I'm going to look damn good doing it.
other boys will notice me, and I'll blow them off. Just to make him jealous.

Chris and Ben are picking me up after math today I THINK.

If not I'm visiting them.
They always manage to make me laugh, even if I feel like shit.

let me be high and mightly like Vegeta today. (if you hadn't noticed, vegeta makes my world go round when I get upset :D)

so...here goes.

took a scalding hot shower this morning.
Trying to wash him away. It worked for the time being, though to be quite honest...I still want him.

the meds for my stomache acid aren't helping at all. the acid is still eating it up, so much that it makes me sick to think about eating anything other than a pretzel here and there.

I want to see him, but I know I shouldn't. I want to go into his work and sit behind the counter. I want him to tell me he loves me again. He said it isn't that he doesn't love me anymore. He said he didn't trust himself.

god, I need him. ._.