Making a Change:

SO! I went to the doctor today for a check-up. You know, full "woman check-up". So I get there. It was awesome. Then they are like "okay, time for you to put on the gown!" which was horrid. Not only was it ALREADY cold in the room, the AIR CONDITIONING was on. Apparently it was to be fixed. but IT WASN'T.

So I'm there, chillin on the table when BUZZZZZZZZ. My phone vibrates. I got a text message. I try to get off the table without losing my very revealing paper garb. SUCCESS! I get to the message and it's a 970 number. "hey whats up"
First thought was "who the hell is this?" then was "must be someone from dove creek". Then it was "Brenda would have spelled something wrong". Then "ooooooooh! Grant." Promptly I save his number again so that I won't be so confused again. So here I am, pretty much naked, texting with my ex. I text Ben, because I would much rather text Ben while nude than grant, but that just turns into a dead-end conversation.

FINALLY Doctor comes in and does the exam thing. I am much relieved. No texting while talking to the doctor!

You see, I don't like ignoring people who are texting me. I always think "what if it's urgent?" I guess they would call, but you never know!

/anti-climaxtic story.

Anyway, apparently he got back with this one chick like... yesterday? I think it was yesterday. And then last night she cheated on him soooooo... he was asking for advice. She's done this before and she just begged for forgiveness and said she changed: dump her.

Spent lots of time at home. Did laundry and went to Olive Garden with my mom and caley! then while my laundry was drying I hung out with caley and it was FUN TIMES ON THE XBOX OMG. I want one now, even though I haven't wanted one for years. And Fable II.

Anyway. Got home, tried to do statics. Was less eager when I found that calculus classes were canceled and the urge to go to microeconomics is near to zero so.... DURING THAT TIME. I've got them copied down and crap. YAY.


( other stuff )

Bloodwork should be done by next week, btw. Along with female tests and std tests. Apparently my murmer wasn't too bad/ they are waiting for my tests to come back. So... I DON'T KNOW! YAY!

Why can't I just have a normal break up experience for once?
Seriously. You break up, you stop talking, end of story.
First off, I've only had someone break up with me to my face ONCE, and then when I JUST start to get over them-every time- they leave me a message some place wanting to know what is going on in my life.

Do you want to know? Seriously? I am a fucking mess.
I take antacids to keep myself from getting an ulcer from all the stress, I take painkillers to keep my body's aches at bay, and I have to take sleep aid still because I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

That satisfactory for you?

I want to scream at you, but I also want you still.

The echo in my head: "Why couldn't you just trust me?"

Well, why couldn't you? Answer me. Just ANSWER ME.

It's settled.
I'm single.

Heart-broken, but at least I have a defined reason to be upset now.

huzzah?

That party last night just so happened to actually START when I was trying to sleep.

Before that Cindy and I didn't really hear anything from upstairs. They were banging on everything...
But at one point they got a little quieter and I could hear a guy say "there are people downstairs" and they shut up.

Thank you, whoever said that.

Decided I was sick of this and texted and called grant.

The message I left went something like this:
This is Rachel. Look, we really need to talk. You need to call me when you can. Thanks. Bye.

It was in a more demanding tone of voice so I'm hoping he finally just calls and calls things off? I mean, no one likes a break up but seriously... it's ten times better than this crap.

In other news, my stomach hurts like hell. I blame being encouraged to eat crappily.

I can't tell you when I last felt accomplished or happy- or at least on the top of my head. There is no way someone ought to feel so horribly alone in a room full of people, knowing full well there is SOMEONE in that same room having the SAME feelings running through their head.

Problem is that if I decide to tell someone exactly what I'm feeling I'm afraid they'll be like "well, someone always has it worse than you". Maybe they do. Maybe there is some poor person being tortured and doesn't know if their family is still alive. Honestly though, I don't want to hear that. I want to hear "it will be okay, Rachel".

I want somebody who will honestly believe it when they are saying it. I want somebody who won't just stop talking to me. I want somebody who will tell me they miss me.
I want somebody who tells me they love me to not take it back a couple weeks later.

I want someone to love me for me. Through my faults, through my craziness, through my hard times.

Crazy, I know.
Love is something to be given freely. You can't tell someone to earn your love. Love is not earned, it is given whether you deserve it or not. This is actually mentioned in a quote I read a few days ago... You love someone even when they don't deserve it because that is when they need it most.

There is no way I can tell you who to love. You just do. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

/vent


It sucks because I don't know what I want, or who I need to talk to.

Right now I feel like... punching a wall in. Taking a walk might help, but I've taken so many of those just to calm down that I don't know that even walking miles and miles would help. Currently I'm trying to keep busy to keep my head out of the clouds, but it isn't working in the slightest. How can you keep moving forward when you're tied to the floor?

I try to think of other people in his place. But I end up thinking "grant" rather than "sean" and it's ruined. Apparently I can't even have crushes on other people without thinking about him. It sucks.

I refuse to call him myself. Jen was all "Just call him and get it over with", but no. I'm not the one that said it wasn't working, so I'm not going to be the one calling. If he wants to break up, fine. But he has to grow a pair and call to say it. Not only is it rude to break up through text, it's tacky. I honestly don't want to tell people that my last boyfriend broke up with me through text- because I know he's not a bad guy. And I guess it wounds my pride quite a bit too, if I'm going to be totally honest.

Really, this is just killing me on the inside. It's like... you're crushed by a rock, but you're still alive: this is the initial blow. This rock falling causes sand to start falling as well. It piles on you and the rock day by day, little by little, until you are finally crushed to death. Actually, it almost feels like that too: chest constricting, heart beating harder to keep the body going.

What really sucks is I really freaking want to cry, but I can't. I'll start- I'll tear up and it'll get hard to breathe- but that's it. Like I'm watching bambi's mom get shot or something- it's sad but it's not real.

Maybe that's it. It doesn't feel real to me. Maybe I'm still surprised by the ordeal. I had/have a boyfriend for the first time in over a year, and he really liked/likes me. The past tense probably being more suitable for our situation. Though, after this fiasco, I feel like I really don't want to try again.
I don't, really. It hurts too much. Maybe it would be better to just assume the position of "there is no one for me, oh well, buy me a kitten" than to be optimistic.

I wish this wasn't so whiny, but that's how it is. That is my life at the moment. Lots of suck.

School is alright. I understand physics finally- calculus too. Classes, even though I'm taking nineteen credit hours, are quite easy. Then again, it's only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine it will get much harder than this.
Human systems kind of irks me though. Don't get me wrong, history is interesting, but I would really rather be getting my core classes done with and moving on to my major.

Paid for my geo trip that is taking place 11-13 of September. Missing NDK for it, but... you know. I really don't feel as if I fit in anymore. I don't know if it's me leaving others behind or the other way around or both ways, but it's... really sad. But I guess I don't have to worry about seeing Eric if I'm not even there, though.

Someone has really bad breaks...SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH

Been watching DBGT. It cheers me up a bit. Nothing like a good dose of Vegeta to cheer me up. That and a few drinks of diet pepsi but... yeah.

Planning on going to bed relatively early...again. Considering I take allergy pills so I can sleep through the night, it's a good idea. Maybe it's all this stress, but I wake up generally twice during the night. I hate it, so I'm trying to head it off. May just get to the point where I'm taking straight sleeping pills, but I really hope it doesn't get that bad.
I'm keeping up with my homework, so I am doing pretty good.



Well that was me dumping my feelings at you. Enjoy!

So I ruined things with Grant.
My insecurities just kept pushing him away, and now he doesn't want me. Or at least my love. I'm not sure which, he didn't specify. As of right now, he didn't say it's over. Though, when you get told that you pushed things too far, it's only a matter of time.

When I got his text last night, I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. But I can't.

It seems that I've either forgotten how or that my tear ducts automatically dry up when I'm in desperate need of a good cry.

This feels horrible.

He didn't say anything.

I didn't know.

My stomach is tying itself in knots. Holding my breath makes the pain go away momentarily. It feels like my heart is going to fall out of my chest. Dying, and black. Cold with death.

Realistically, I'm lucky he didn't just cut things off then and there. But this drags things on. Unless he forgives me, which is unlikely, ending is inevitable.


I want to take the day off, but I need the money. I want to ditch studio but I need something to dull the pain.

You have never felt bad until you loose your ability to shed tears. Not only are you looking for release, but you can't even show you're feeling bad. What are you, some unfeeling bastard? Why yes. I feel nothing.
Nothing.

No. I feel something.

Empty. Crushed. Guilty.

What would you have me do? I don't want to talk to him, in fear of making things worse. All I can spew out is "I'm sorry" and no one likes hearing that over and over again.

I told my cousin this morning. Told her I did exactly what she told me not to and now he probably hates my guts. Totally understandably.

Probably talk to whoever I'm working with tonight. Ask to be put in the back away from customers so I can sulk to myself. Honestly, I don't want to talk about it. I feel like if anyone asks I'll just snap at them.

Last night there was a huge thunder storm. It was hanging over my house for at least two hours (neither of which did I get any sleep during), striking within FEET of my house.
I like lightening...when it's far away. When it's cool to look at. Not when I feel like I'm going to die in a few seconds.

Woke up also to nightmares. This is usual though, but add in the lightening and the wanting to crawl in a hole and die... yeah.

I was kind of scared, a little. More so of the lightening but...You know.
Unfortunately I don't know what my nightmares were about, but they were enough to make me curl up in a ball and cry a little.

Whatever. I guess.

Very ready for school to start. I'm even more ready to be sleeping in until seven (not really sleeping in to most, I know, but it's sleeping in for me!). I'm also excited to be able to shower at night if I want. No more of this "you'll wake your grandpa up". Honestly, I don't think my grandpa cares too horridly much. He's up most of the night anyway.

It's like night outside. Everything is gloomy. I want to be in bed. I said the next day like this I was staying home...I didn't figure it would be my last day to work...

Today I smell like ...berries. It's a little overpowering. Hopefully it will die down a bit.

Ugh. Miss Grant, but he's harvesting so I can't really talk to him much- if at all. This sucks. He works up to 18 hours a day on the combine, then eats and sleeps for the other few hours. It was easy when he was just on the tractor- then he didn't have to pay too close attention and he could text and drive. Here it's intense and...UGH.

At least if school was in session I could do homework or something to keep myself busy, but at work it's just me...sitting around...

He's lucky I like him a lot or else he'd be SOL.

Never date a farmer, guys. Never date a farmer.

So I went to Golden yesterday to fix my bed. It's off the ground now (huzzah!). Ate some of michelle and cindy's fantastic food! I'll have to make stuff for them, I guess. I'm pretty good at pies so...maybe that.

It's 11:11, I just made a wish.

What else? Worked closing. Katie is going to be going back to being Sales lady because she can't be a manager with her schedule the way it is.
Closing was pretty easy. I was doing better today that I was last week, which is EXCELLENT.

Took 6th home to avoid super traffic jam of the century on I-70 (they closed the highway entirely for about five miles).
Got home and mom got mad because I was already talking to Grant on the phone (I talk to her more than him so...? problem?). Unfortunately I didn't talk to him that long, though we did text till about...oh, one I think.
Anyway.

What else? I don't know. There's really nothing else I want to share.

yay lame updates. They might be lame, but they keep me somewhat sane.

Oh right! I was going to say: I finished my book (Breaking Dawn) and it was pretty good. Ending WAS kind of lame, but whatever. Also! I got my cell phone thing, so that will be getting hooked up tomorrow sometime. Tomorrow will be crazy. Lots of work and running around. Mom's kind of pissed that I'm missing my grandpa's birthday party thing...but she told me just the other day about it, when my schedule was already posted. I've already been a complete PAIN with days off, I'm not about to be like "actually, that needs to change..." No way.

And yeah! I'm in a better mood than yesterday, for sure. Though I'm pretty sure it's from lack of sleep more than anything. I can't wait to be back in school, my sleeping schedule will be somewhat back to normal! Hopefully...

Ugh. Off to the core place I flee.

And after all that complaining my mom offers to let grant stay the night if he needs to.

Now I kind of feel bad : /

Today I am just… flustered. I’m frustrated with my family and with my situation and I’m almost looking to get a loan and buy a taser so I can take the bus to work (give up the car). I am just SO very tired of not being in charge of my own life. I want to be able to visit Dove Creek without it all of a sudden being all about Grant. You know, I want to visit my family too. Everything I do comes down to reputation, according to my mother. What reputation? Everyone knows I’m pretty nice, I try to help, and I am dead set against compromising myself.

Now that I think about it, I might have been short with Michelle and Cindy, and I’m sorry. Yesterday was just a horrible day: today is not looking to be any better.

So basically I got in trouble for feeding my friends leftovers from dinner. Not that I fed them leftovers, but that I fed them. Period. I figured, they always feed me when I’m over at their houses, why not feed them? We left some for my dad, so he could eat dinner too, in fact we left him MORE than enough.

I want to just…ugh. Get out. The fact that we probably won’t have the place on Friday makes me kind of upset. You see, I want out of my house. I’m tired of the rules and the fake-freedom. Like, I can make choices for myself but if my parents don’t agree then I have to suddenly un-make it.

So today I went to Wells Fargo. I got a savings account, checking, and applied for a credit card. My mom won’t be happy about the credit card. Honestly, I’m not going to use it irresponsibly. Since I was little, my mother always told me you should never use the card unless you have the money in your checking account. It will be used to buy groceries, and then when I get back home, I’ll pay it off. Building credit is important and if I end up not liking this place and want a nicer one, landlords usually like to have a credit report. Plus, I’ll be able to get a loan so my parents can stop paying for stuff. Not that they will be paying for much this year. Apparently I’m supposed to cover my tuition: something I had not factored into my money situation. If they had been paying, I’d be able to pay for rent- no problem. The six thousand I make this summer would more than cover it all. But I have to pay for my tuition and rent and gas and phone.

I’m also kind of upset that my time with Grant is now quite limited. My parents would die before they’d let him spend the night at our place (he’ll be staying at a friend’s house in Denver) so I pretty much have one night with him. I mean, it shouldn’t be so bad, but it is.

I guess I kind of had hoped that those guys would have moved out earlier?

I feel like a complete and utter idiot. Maybe I am. Maybe I should just quit school and work at Pier 1 full time. Sure, everyone would be disappointed, but aren’t they already?
No. I won’t. I like it too much. But sometimes it’s all I can think about. How easy it would all be just to quit. But then I’d be taking the easy way out. I hate doing that.

This feeling is just horrible.

Horrible and helpless.

Yesterday was kind of long. It was so very boring that I'm surprised I managed to stay awake. A grand total of maybe twenty showings. They all came at once, which was a bitch. Also had to deal with some guy who was all like "Well why can't I get the agent's phone number?" "I'm not allowed to give it to you" "Well why not?" "She said I can't, and because she said that I can't give it out" "How am I supposed to get a hold of her then?" "I transferred you to her cell, so if you'd just leave a message there..." "I want to talk to a human, not a machine!"

I wanted to reach through the phone and rip his head off.

I got home and mom returned with a bunch of foodstuffs for when I move out (three weeks away!). So... yeah. I have pretty much everything.

I honestly don't remember how big the rooms are, so I don't know how much room I'll have for things. My mom keeps saying "You're taking a dresser" but I could really care less about a dresser. I can get hanging things for my closet and now I have a night stand for my ...other stuff.

I might be downgrading to a twin bed, but that doesn't mean that I can have twice as much furniture in the room as I would have had.

So, I kind of would like to know what is going to happen as far as moving in goes. I don't have any of the papers, so I can't call the dude to see what the plan is so far. It's getting close and I'm starting to want to know the plans.

And if we actually get the place August 1st, I'd like to know when we're actually moving things in. My mom keeps saying something about "the morning of August 2nd" and I keep thinking "the evening of August 1st" because I'd honestly move in as soon as possible. Again, love my family but their restrictions are driving me crazy. Be home by this time, don't be out late, you can't spend money even if it's something you need (mom's getting on my case for every dollar I spend)...
I made a budget spreadsheet. If I get a part-time job paying even just minimum wage, I'll be set. I'll actually be able to SAVE 2000 dollars. Kind of thinking about opening an account that I just deposit in (kind of like what Cindy had/has at WaMu?!) that gains more interest than other accounts and then depositing some of each paycheck into it. Start it off with 100 dollars and like...even just fifteen dollars from each paycheck could be a major help.

After that I was pretty much laying in bed hoping that everyone would leave me alone. Erik kept waking me up, which pissed me off.

Walked to walmart- which has been my brother's and my thing this week. Got an icee and talked to some lady that worked there. Apparently we were gone a whole ten minutes too long because dad was looking for us. We have cell phones, so I don't know why they didn't call those first. Seriously. I'm not five.
You worry, I know, but we didn't walk any slower than we usually do so...yeah.

Talked to Grant last night, which was very nice. It was pretty unexpected. I'm talking to my mom and all of a sudden my phone goes off with the call ringtone (versus my messaging ringtone which is Enjoy the Silence, fitting no?) and I'm all "oh, grant is calling!". Mom leaves and we talk until about eleven (which, honestly, wasn't that long considering the call came in a little past ten).

Giddy Rachel. :D

Anyway. I should be getting a call from Pier 1 either today or tomorrow. Hopefully today, because I want to know NOW whether they hired me. I might not get the job I applied for, but I also expressed interest in any other job they would give me so I HOPE they at least give me a sales associate job. Such a cool place and they were all very very cool people (or at least the few I met). Very nice and very upbeat.

I also applied to Borders, Home Depot, and Bed Bath and Beyond.
I might apply to kohls too...because it's there. And apparently they are hiring at Best Buy but you have to go in and I don't have time to do that. Same with Barnes and Noble.

hope hope hope.

:D