Making a Change:

I feel horrible.
I'm tired and I think I might puke at any second. Class? Hell no. All I can think right now is "don't puke, don't puke"

Possibly got the flu from my grandmother who just got the flu shot. ohboy.

Nothing much has happened the past couple days.

Ben (Ben friend Ben, not Ben dating Ben) came over for New Years. It was nice to see him again.

Today I finished Saving Fish From Drowning, which was good. Started feeling lousy around noonish when my throat started to swell up. Started drinking water like I lived in a desert. THEN started getting sinus headache. Took Tylenol Sinus around four after franticly searching through my mom's various pill hiding places (so amy won't get to them).

The headache is gone now, but I still feel rather cruddy- not to mention my throat still feels like a thousand bees stung me.

Josh just called and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with Chris and them right now (at ten at night?). Obviously, I don't feel up to it at all right now.

Family night is next friday which might pose a large problem for me. Hopefully it is, indeed, at night because I start school next week (I looked at the calendar and it shows classes starting on Wednesday of last week...unless I am wrong?).

um.

Tomorrow, if I feel any better, I will run to the bank. I HAVE to go to the store and get Severus food. He needs food.

I...feel like crap. ugh.

Hopefully it ends before we go back, eh?

I feel really sick. I want to turn on the tv and actually do something but michelle is asleep. She snores a wee bit. Hopefully my typing is not keeping her up at all. I'd feel bad.

I tried to sleep for a good forty five minutes, but that didn't work out so well. I kept tossing and turning and feeling like I was going to puke. I still feel like that now, but sitting up makes it more of a dull ache rather than a threatening-to-come-up type feeling.

sleep will be attempted again in half an hour.

tomorrow there is a calc quiz. I'm not looking forward to it.

And dude, if those people outside don't shut up I might shank something. They are SO fucking loud. And at like ten it sounded like someone ran down the hallway screaming? dude, not okay.

tonight would be a good night for someone to cuddle with me, as long as they were not afraid of getting sick. I'd love them forever.

They actually stopped being loud! amazing
There is also a chem quiz tomorrow. joy.
At least there is not PA on Thursday! I get to sleep in. And because there is no NHV either I could go to Michelle's calc class and sleep in even more if I wanted to! Maybe I should go to both calc classes? I'm not understanding the indeterminate products and it's really starting to piss me off. I tried looking at it for a while this evening, but I just couldn't handle it. L'hospital's law is fine, just not products or differences. I always manage to get the answer wrong. other than that, everything's peachy.

my mouth is drying up. ugh. I hate that.

and my hands hurt.

Maybe I'm just stressing too much.

So, I went and had a physical today. Fantastic, right?

Went in, I got my height and weight checked (5'3" and 137 pounds, which I am just fine with)

There was a massive rush to the bathrooms, so she checked my eyesight. My vision is getting worse. I used to be able to read the second to last line, now I cannot.
Still massive rush, so she checked my pulse and stuff. She didn't say anything so I assume it's all normal. She took down my family history for..the third time in my life or so.
These run in my family:
Heart problems
High colestorol
High blood pressure
skin cancer
bad allergic reactions
diabetes

I knew they all were in my family, but I couldn't remember who had what so I basically put it all on my mom's side.

Finally bathroom opened and I did the whole cup thing. THEN when trying to place the cup, there were like three other cups in the box. Disgusted, I poked the other people's stuff to the side, and placed my stuff in.
Talk about backed up.

Then got back, with a bunch of pap smear stuff laying around. Surprise, Rachel! You get to have female!physical done today! She asked if I wanted STD check, I said yes to the stuff that would be done during the female!physical, but not blood work. I HATE getting needles poked in me.
So that went all fine and dandy.

Then got my finger poked. Yay. THEN! they stopped me and were like "you need to do a TB test". Okay, doctor, okay. "Also, you need to go to a cardiologist and have an ultrasound of your heart taken"...Why? "You still have a heart murmur, so we need to have that checked out"
(my heart goes 'Thuduhthump-thump' rather than 'thump-thump', they say)
So this friday I'm going into the doctor's office to get the TB stuff finished with, then go to work, then after lunch I have to go to the cardiologist. Yay.



Then I got to thinking, what if I have serious heart troubles in the future?

I don't want to die young, that's for sure. I want to die knowing that I have lead a happy life.
But when I'm older, I'll probably be in pain. So. Much. Pain.
How can you live life knowing that you are going to get older and then have to fight to live longer? Will I be able to fight until I'm 93? or will I give up at 68?

Hopefully there really isn't much wrong. Hopefully I just have the coolest heart ever, because it just wants to go at a different beat.
We'll see, we'll see.

I actually ran yesterday. You know when I say I run, well I really just run about two minutes then walk five, run two, walk five. Yesterday, however, I was able to get myself to go about seven minutes without stopping. Then I jogged/walked home, but still! I am very proud of myself.


Also, got about 1/4 of 13th floor inventory done. Super excited.

Was not at school today.

Spent most of the day on the couch either sleeping or watching Firefly- because I can hardly concentrate on eating. There isn't much to say.

Don't know what I have, but it makes me want to stab myself in the face- or sleep forever. I'm hungry but not. It's odd.

It could be that I'm just stressed out- and mother isn't helping much either. She wasn't going to let me stay home today because of my C in Chemistry. I almost yelled at her.
Hello mom, I'm dying here. And since when do you care about my grades? You have not once cared since I started high school. Now all of a sudden you are worried. That's just...bull.

Several times today I have courted the thought that maybe I am dying. It seems so unnatural to be in this state. I question whether I am actually awake or if I am delusional.

I don't know.
Probably shouldn't be typing anything right now anyway.
And sleeping.
Yes, sleep.
Crap. Mock Exam tomorrow.
After school, right? Shite.
I guess I could make it up, right? I have many off hours...kind of.

first time I've had internet in three days or so]




I'm feeling very ill
>.> think it might just be allergies getting to me, but...yeah

/die

There's only us, only tonight. We must let go to know what's right. No other coarse, no other way. No day but today. I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be.

There's only now. There's only me. give in to love, or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today.




Another Day from Rent keeps playing through my head.

I had a pretty crappy day today.
Lang...it just lang. I think everyone has heard my rant about how idiotic the students in that class are. Ms. Maloy comes up to me and says "Rachel, you need to speak up in socratic seminar because I know you have good thoughts and your insights would be very appreciated. Well, ma'am. Last time I decided to share what I thought, everyone bashed on me because I thought the lady in "On Being a Cripple" was just a Cripple trying to get something published.
The work had no flow, she complained throughout the piece how it put a strain on those around her, and she dropped names of notable authors that she is nothing compared to.
Sure. She had a dissability. My grandfather has a heart condition and can die at any minute. He could have a massive heart attack just by taking a walk. Does that mean if he writes a story of his life that he will be published and it will be read by high schoolers?

anyway. Then on to APHG. We colored the entire class. There was this girl that I was about to KILL behind me. ALL she did was complain. I know I complain but...that is ridiculous. Go back to your mommy if you can't take a freshman class. seriously, she gave us sooooo much time to do all this homework. A week. In my other AP classes I have two days for most of my homework. I think she is being overly nice.

gawd.

Third was the only hour that I actually had a good time. Talked with Cindy and Mrs. Kemp most the time. After seeing all those girls that are pregnant I said I wanted to be sterilized, and Maz is like "you shouldn't. take it from a person who CAN'T have children."
-shrug-

Couldn't make a good slab in Ceramics. All my attempts ended in bubbles...I have been doing soooo well and now it's like "forget you" ugh.

Ben was going to come over, but I told him not to because I feel like crap. But I need a hug, so maybe I shouldn't have. Oh well I guess.

It wasn't really THAT bad of a day, just feel like stabbing myself in the face because of whatever I have. Sinus infection I'm betting. Or some form of a cold.
Oh well.


Tis life.

So.
Went to the doctor.
I have massive headaches, blood in places it shouldn't be, and lovely almost-vomiting experiences.

She did the whole stomache-pushing thing. upper and lower hurt like hell. She pressed my lower back, and that hurt like a bitch.

So she thinks I have migraines, liver problems, and kindney-stones. :D
Got meds for the head that make me go loopy for the first hour. And stuff for my kidney.
If things don't get better and continue to get worse, I'm supposed to go in for an ultrasound. haha

yay.

Got dinner out of it though! score!

I don't want to go to school today.

bleh.

I feel like crap.

Going to the doctor next week we HOPE

Soooooo tired of my mom saying I can't miss school. I've only missed one day from sickness. The other days are excused things that I didn't want to be excused for or band competition.

ugh, suckyness

I think I need to go to the doctor for the pains in my chest. again. because prescription strength acid reducers don't cut it. oh, my senior pictures (that were not put in the yearbook) were given to me today. haha. and copyright belongs to my mother >.> because it's a good picture. and we wanted it on disk

egh.
stomache hurts
fever

uggh. Go away.
I know I brought this upon myself but
go away

I really haven't been taking care of myself these past few days.

It's why I'm staying home.
Besides the fact that Steven was telling lies to his parents about me and I'm about to punch him in the face.

quite literally.

He's trying to get his parents to not allow me over I suppose. Honestly, not a big deal for me seeing as I don't like being there when he's there anyway, but I like to hang out with Ben and Chris (and Jenn as of recently :O).

Idon'tknow. I want to talk to Eric, but he doesn't want to.

I think his reasons for breakup are either lies or childish.
there are the two that I've noted before, and the "real" one where I overreacted to a comment he made and he overreacted to the comment I made after that.
We'd done this before.
I don't see why it was such a big deal now.


Was talking to him through a mutual friend last night. He told this friend that what I said about steven was not true. I told this friend "how was I supposed to know when Steven's bragging about it and Eric's not talking to me"
I assume what the truth is when no one is talking to me about it.

We _could have_ worked this out.
heh, we even still could.
Mom says to not even talk to him, so does Sabrina.

I've lost weight after all this.
about seven pounds.
I mean, it's not a GOOD thing that I can't stomache any food, but I'm trying.
I do eat little things like pretzels and breadsticks.


I keep looking out the windows wishing he was there.
How lame is that?

well, good thing is I'm not crying anymore. I get sniffles occationally, but not the full blown crying.

Watched the Wedding Date last night. Fantastic movie. And Princess Bride too.
IloveThePrincessBride.


Um...calling Maz around her lunch hour. Seeing if she wants me to drop my labs off after school or ...whatever she wants to do. While I'm doing that I'm going to go see Ms. Malloy and give her my book project.
Ican'thandleschoolrightnowheeeeeeh

You know, I'm glad I took all this AP courses. It keeps my mind occupied.

pains are shooting up my breastbonearea.
I'm freezing.

telling my mom I'm not going to school in a few minutes. I'll take Erik there and pick him up...but I am in no way in any shape to be going to school.

I want to go back to work ._.

I miss it.

feeling very sick right now.

Every few seconds I feel like throwing up my guts.

even after antiacids

I don't want to go to school tomorrow

IthinkImightdie

infact.

I think I'll stay home. Get my scitech project up and moving

hopefully finish titration lab >.>

it's giving me trouble.

turn in when I pick up Erik from school

I think I'm okay now.
Allergy pills kicked in, and I'm groggy so to bed goes I!

I don't know if sleeping this much really is good for me (at least 24 hours alone in the past two days), but at least I'm sleeping, neh?

fourth day of christmas, guys.