Making a Change:

So. After a very- and when I say very I mean VERY- eventful weekend, I decided that life is okay. I'm not going to say great considering I just dropped most of the money I made this summer on books and a new phone... and I'll hopefully be paying my rent from over the summer here soon... Maybe as soon as I get my deposit back from ex-landlord Kevin Hunt? Getting a bit antsy about it since he probably took out a good portion just because he's a jerk.

But I'm kind of excited about this next year! I don't have to retake anything this semester like I thought I would have to: WHICH IS AMAZING. I have three classes specifically for my major this semester which excites me more than you can imagine! Greatest thing of all: I'm on track to graduate in FOUR years. That's right, folks. FOUR. Not five, not six, but four. This is a miracle! No doubt.

Also: everyone is getting back to Pi Phi, which is exciting at least to me. My roommate came in yesterday and it seems like we'll be getting along quite well...hopefully. This also means APO will be starting up soon too (approximately a week from today!) which, again, is exciting.

This year I'm going to try my hardest to not let some things get to me. However, I am going to try to stand my ground when it comes to things I believe in and when I'm supposed to be the leader. Most of my issues last year stemmed from ... mostly being a doormat. We'll see what happens this year- hopefully nothing too dramatic?

Trying hard to plan things ahead of time for APO events. I know I'm going to be busy so hopefully this will work. I don't know. Hopefully I can get some activities in that people like because... as much as APO is founded on Service, you need Fellowship there too so people can get to know each other and bond. Ya'know?


In other news: Ben got us tickets to the Circus on the 30th of September which will hopefully be fun! 7th row or something awesome like that. SUPER EXCITED. He also got us Rob Thomas tickets, but most of you already know that... and you will probably hear it over and over again until after the concert. It's just really exciting and I'm sorry if it's annoying but...that's how I am.
Also got a new phone: the eV3. It's blue and SHINY. Got a 8% off discount for working at Pier one! It's not a lot...but it's still enough. It pays to work at certain places!


That's really...it. Cheers

So I haven't shown you guys my new room yet. It's really taken a while, but it's all put together now. Well... at least as far as MY stuff goes. I don't know what's going to happen when Anya moves in on the 15th. Hopefully she'll like how I arranged things. If you guys haven't noticed, I like maximizing floorspace. Considering I do a lot of work on the floor I thought it was a good idea.

( my new living space )

But here you go! Isn't it precious?

In other news, I think I need to go to the eye doctor. For those of you that have lived with/around me you'll know that I have glasses with a very very very low prescription for my astigmatism in my left eye (right side is just glass). Things have been getting blurry lately and I think I may have to actually USE them on a regular basis. We'll see what happens.

Annnnnnnnddd.... That's it. YAY!

I'd really update more... if I wasn't running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

Life has been stressful to say the least. Two classes over the summer may have been a mistake and my gpa will plummet because of it. Thermo I'm doing alright in, Mechanics of Materials...not so much. Hopefully I did better on this last exam, but I'm not holding my breath. I really NEED to study more for this class but finding time has been a hassle. Between work and school I'm pretty much working the equivalent of two full-time jobs (this includes the 4+ hours of homework per day for each class), but I don't want to not see my friends so I've been trying to see them too. And of course I've been going to Ben's every Friday to see him, and sometimes he goes to Golden to see me.

Last week, Wednesday to be exact, I started freaking out about just everything. I felt like I just failed my exam, I didn't understand the homework, everything going on with my family, not enough money for school next semester... it just made me snap and all I wanted to do was cry. Things are better now, but I'm still super-stressed out and I'm probably not going to do too much with anyone until I'm on my two week summer vacation.

Things at work are getting busier. At least at Pier One... If I had enough hours to work in the day I'm sure I could be hired on as a Sales Lead- but alas I only get about 22-25 hours per week which is 8-5 hours below the minimum for the position. There have been a lot of people quitting so we were down to about...five sales associates and three managers. We just hired a girl named Lydia and it sounds like we'll hire someone else too. Hopefully we can get at least eight! Seriously. Almost all of us are working almost thirty hours each a week to make up for the lack of people and you can tell it wearing everyone down.

Metro Brokers is slow, but that's to be expected at this time. No one wants to move while their children are going off to college. Hopefully it'll pick up around September a bit. The pre-holiday stuff, you know. Move before you put out the tree and house-lights.

My mom talked to me this morning and apparently my parents want to take us to Mexico for Mine and Erik's birthdays. I talk about how I would like some fruity drink or a rum and coke: she shakes her head. Hey, you take me to Mexico when I'm legally of age in my own country, I'll have a damn alcoholic beverage. It's not like I'm going to drink 'til I'm drunk. Not that they know about it, but at parties I don't even do that- it's really just not my thing. Too bad she doesn't understand that. One drink every so often does not an alcoholic make.

On a completely different note:Angel, our dog of seven years, has a fast-growing cancer. She has a couple of weeks or so... We've been spoiling her quite a bit. Also got a puppy. We're not trying to have it take her place- no other dog will be quite a sweet as Angel is- but it does dull the feeling of loss.

Living in the sorority has been pretty cool. Nice, fast internet that isn't named anything like cuntnugget, a dishwasher, cable, multiple nice places to study, and locking bathroom doors (and bedroom too, but I don't have my key...yet? yet I hope). It's been nice also having a washer and drier so I don't have to ship things to and from my parent's house.

Ugh, my body hurts.

Other than that, life is good.
Cheers

For the past couple weeks I've been living at my parents' house. It has been weird because it doesn't feel like home to me because what was my room has turned into mine and my dad's room (my dad snores so loud that he can't sleep with my mom...). It's been kinda hectic going from babysitting to working at Pier One back to Aurora just to do it again the next day.

Pier One has been giving me a lot of hours. This is both good and bad... Lots of people have left: Kim, Sherri, Bessie, and now Holly. Farah is going to India to visit her family there for a few months. No one knows if Jessica is going to come back. She got injured in February and still hasn't been back to work. Brittany is going to school at CSU in the fall, so she'll be gone as soon as summer is over. Needless to say, we need people. I've offered to work more hours until the end of summer so that Bonnie has time to find more people. There is a Racheal that starts work today. Hopefully she'll stay a while.

Tonight I'm going back to Golden, finally. Though, I came back on Friday and spent the night. It was weird because since Michelle and Jason have been living there by themselves, they've kind of made it just their place. The kitchen has been taken over by recycling and Jason's kitchen things. I made a little room in the fridge for my things, and I put bread on the shelf which I think I've unofficially had for my stuff the entire year.
Went to the Parade and Celebration for Golden's 150th birthday. It was pretty awesome! Good cake too... Lots of free stuff.

Later, we re-arranged the stuff in the house because I thought it was about time for a change. My television is now in the kitchen area where the table used to be. After arranging Cindy, Kirk, Blair, Sean, and I watched Taken. I've seen that movie so many times, but it is always just as good. Michelle and Jason were out...I think bowling? Until about eleven, maybe ten. Didn't really talk to them much. The way it goes I guess.

Found out the internet wasn't working. That was kind of... upsetting. Especially because I start summer school next week and one of my books is online... Really need that fixed.

Packed up lots of my kitchen stuff. I think glassware will be next. Leave plates til near the end of my stay there.

Parents want me to move out of that house and into the sorority house that first week in July. Dad's taking off that week and says he wants to take my larger things (desk and such) out of there. May or may not be a good idea. They say they'll pay for those extra few weeks, but they don't have money and I know it so... I don't know. We'll see.

Looking into buying Kirk's Xbox 360 off of him. Get Xbox live to play with Kacie (<3!) which would be AWESOMELY FUN but horridly time-consuming. We'll see how well-off I am by the time Fall Semester comes around. Working so many shifts at Pier One will really be a great help though. No joke.

Went to Riley's Birthday yesterday. It was fun, and I saw a ton of people I haven't seen in forever. I love the Cuevas Family. They kind of rock.

Well, taking advantage of internet while I still have it so I better get to my pre-class reading.

Cheers!

So, there hasn't been an update in a while. This kind of saddens me.

Right now I'm living out of a suitcase at my parent's house. I'm temporarily residing there so I can babysit a couple kids. It is good money for just waking them up, feeding them, and taking them to their respective camps.

Next week school starts up for me again. I honestly can't wait. Just working all the time really gets tiring. Though it has been nice getting twenty hours a week. Nice paychecks...

Anyway. Ben might be (actually it's almost certain: I just don't want to jinx it) getting a job at Dish Network. This is good. I have a toothbrush at his house now. IT'S A BIG DEAL. Actually it's not really a big deal.


Now. I visited Sam and Riley yesterday. I love visiting them! However, this morning I get a text from Sam. Eric (you know, cheated on me, left me [twice!], said he wanted to get back with me then dumped me a day later: that Eric) has asked her out. I realize a lot of what happened between him and I is my own damn fault and I should stop being so...crazy over it, but still.
I mean, I love Sam to death. If he makes her happy, so be it. I just hope that he has changed and that he endeavors to deserve her.

Plus, I really still want karma to kick his ass.

ANYway.
I guess I should say that I passed all my classes last semester. Passed being a relative term for Calculus III. I'm hoping Diff EQ is easier than that, but you never know. I'm hoping with a lot of work and determination I can pull my GPA to a 3.0 and pass everything well from here on out. Maybe ask for Saturday evenings off so that I can spend time with Ben at least once a week, then maybe friday evenings with my family... Pretty sure that my life will turn into a schedule again as soon as fall semester starts. Hate it, but that's the way it goes.

Pretty happy though about this next week. I get TWO days off. Super awesome, I think. Monday and Thursday. Need to get times switched with somebody on friday since I can't open seeing as I babysit Blake and Rory in the mornings...

Anyway. Life is good.

Cheers

So far this week has been shite and ... I really can't even begin to explain how plain old FRUSTRATED I am.

UGH. I am so done with this crap.

So I only had one can of diet coke yesterday. No other sources of caffeine. I was SO tired last night I just passed out. Seriously.

Right now I'm so tired. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am. BUT! I don't have to work today after this (thank goodness!) so I can go home and crash...but I'll most likely go to the Rec Center.

Have I told you how awkward it is being in the freshman pledge class when you're not a freshman? Pretty awkward. They're a wonderful group of ladies, don't get me wrong: it's just hard to find something in common with them even though they are only a year below me (though a couple of them are academically ahead of me...). We'll all be pretty good friends, I'm sure. Also as a spring pledge I kind of feel as though I'm coming in in the middle of everything, ya'know? Probably should have done this last school year- it would have been a little less awkward.

ANYWAY. Spending time with Ben was awesome. We tried to play "Rome" which seems like Age of Empires except you play on a board. We used pieces from Monopoly and some zombie game and Risk and... it was working but it takes a helluva long time. So after four-five hours (I think?) of playing, each of us only having four turns, we decided to quit. We being mostly Nick and myself. I was TIRED AS ALL HELL.

On the way to work today I took the wrong road- I started heading back to Golden- so I ended up NOT going to the store to buy something for lunch. Didn't have breakfast so I'm STARVING. It may get to the point where I call my parents...but I hope not. They have food here I'm allowed to eat so... I'll try to keep to that for a while


I wish I was still curled up with Ben. /sigh.

I'm trying my hardest to not be over-bearing.

lsdk;jalkj;dlf

The trip to Dove Creek was awesome!
A much needed time away from the busy life.
I had an early flight, departure at 8:15. Got to the airport VERY early so once I was at my gate I just sat and read a book. There was this guy next to me (next meaning he sat two seats away) that was waiting for his granddaughter to arrive. Apparently the last time he had seen her was when she was seven, now she's fourteen. Crazy.
Read the rest of my book (A Christmas Carol) on the plane. It was really short, but very good. Growing up I've always watched A Muppet Christmas Carol with my brother all throughout the season so whenever there was a part I recognized the songs played in the back of my head. It was awesome.

Got to Cortez Municipal Airport and was met by my grandparents, cousin Brenda, and Aunt and Uncle. My Aunt and Uncle were only there for the laptop I carried in my suitcase (which was theirs, but... really guys? Aren't you glad I'm here?). Got to my grandparent's house. They installed new flooring in the kitchen and part way into the living room. Re-painted as well.
Most of the time I was there I was just hanging out. My other Aunt and Uncle visited often (their business has yet to be moved out of my grandparent's basement...) and Maranda made a surprise visit! Saw my Aunt Michelle briefly.
It was snowing a LOT. Roads were horrible. We only went into town twice, both times I brought my phone because I don't get service at my grandparent's house and I needed to check messages just in case work called BUT I don't know my voicemail password so I couldn't... Stupid T-mobile.

The last full day I was there my grandma taught me how to crochet! I had quite a bit done but I was unhappy with it so I unraveled it and started again. I'm gonna make a scarf and then I'll send it to my grandparents. It'll be awesome. However, I need to find my hook that is hidden in my house somewhere, or I'll have to buy new ones. I'm thinking I'll just go to walmart and get some after Christmas...
Anyway. Time comes for me to leave.  Left an hour earlier than we needed to just in case the road to Cortez was bad. It was. When we got to the airport I got all checked in and sat down. At first there weren't many people, then this bus FULL of people comes and it was really loud. The lady says the plane that left at 4:17 (the time that I was supposed to leave according to MY TICKET) was ACTUALLY for the people who just got bussed there from Telluride. I was... pretty pissed. They didn't know where the plane I was supposedly supposed to get on was or if it even was supposed to come in. They check all the Telluride people into the plane. I call my dad saying to not go to the airport because I don't even know if I'm going to be leaving that day (which really pissed me off because I was supposed to work the next day!). All of a sudden they are like "Passengers on the Cortez flight, go through security. We're putting you on this plane". So I say goodbye to my grandparents and cousin, almost crying like I always do when I have to leave, and go to the security line. Lady in front of me is unorganized, and has three trays worth of stuff to put on the plane.
Finally get onto the plane. It's literally full. No extra seats. As I buckle my seatbelt the other plane comes in right next to us. Great.
They take half an hour to de-ice the plane. I call my dad and tell him to continue heading to the airport. They got me on a plane.
Had nothing to do on the plane because they don't allow you to use electronics because it is such a small plane and anything WILL mess with the navigation equipment (though I'm pretty sure it's just for wireless devices).  ANYWAY. Got there, met my dad.

Went home. Did laundry and hung out with my family.
Mom was in pain and on meds. Brother and Sister were bouncy and hyper. Erik and I will be decorating a gingerbread man hopefully on this saturday.

Made my excuses and went over to see Ben. Watched them (being Takashi and Ben, Chris was watching and playing on his laptop) play a video game for a while, then watched Forbidden Kingdom with Ben. Er. Went to bed. Woke up and was on the computer for a bit. Tried to sleep again, was successful for an hour then I woke up again, this time for good. Hung around with Ben and Chris. We went to Wendy's and then it started to pellet snow. AND WE SAW LIGHTENING IN THE SNOW. Then I got toilet paper and dropped Ben and Chris off at their house. Got on the highway and NO ONE CAN DRIVE IN THE SNOW OMG. Took almost two hours to get home. Called my mom while I was at a standstill. She was mis-diagnosed at the ER. She couldn't work due to pain one day so I took her there. She hurt on her right side (this is important to say) and they took an ultrasound and said it was because of a cyst. They gave her pain meds. It wouldn't stop hurting even with oxycodine so she went to the doctor and they took a look at her ultrasound. They asked what side it hurt on, she says right. "So the pain has switched sides?" "No...". The cyst was on her LEFT ovary. LEFT. They're doing tests to see what else it could be- they're thinking she tore a muscle. YAY.

Er. What else?
Schedule for the next couple weeks:
Today:
-Pier One 6:30pm-10:30pm
Saturday:
-Metro Brokers 8:30am-12:30pm
-Pier One 6:30pm-10:30pm
Sunday:
-Pier One 4pm-8pm
Monday:
-Pier One 8pm-11pm
Tuesday:
-Pier One 12pm-4pm
Wednesday
-Pier One 2pm-6:30pm
Thursday
-CHRISTMAS KOMG
Friday
-Pier One 8am-12pm
Saturday
-Metro Brokers 8:30am-12:30pm
-NO PIER ONE!OMG!!!11!

so next week is a 24 hour work week. Not bad. But busy x.x
I have also cleaned my room (finally!)!
It's good to be home.

I don't know if I should say anything seeing as this could not only ruin now, but could also ruin my future.

Cryptic, I know. I just don't want to outright say anything because apparently I don't know what I want. I know what everyone else wants, but what about me? Frankly, I'm tired of making bad choices for myself.

This is a problem even watching youtube videos of Rob Thomas cannot fix.

In other news, I haven't updated in a while! Therefore, I must update you.
Last monday night I went with Ben to the Break and Repair Method concert (I guess it was ACTUALLY Matt Nathanson's but...whatever Matt). I MET Paul Doucette. I texted cindy and michelle about it but they didn't really give me the reaction I wanted considering they know how in love with Matchbox Twenty I am. But I MET him. I have a picture of me with him, but I am lazy and don't want to post it.

Failed Macro exam. Got 80 on the Geo exam. I'm stressing. I need money.

Ugh. this doesn't even hold a candle to everyones recent updates. I just don't know what I can or cannot say. Shouldn't care, I know, but I do.

I'm pondering life and where I want to end up. I want a life that is moving like a good song. I want a love that keeps me strong. I want a house with a hundred acres of land. I want to feel like I'm doing something worth my while. I want friends that are here to stay.
I want to be a rock; and anchor. I want to hold it together.
I want some space and time.
But really, what I want most of all is to be happy with my own life.

SHITFUCKDAMN

updates later. I SHOULD study physics at least a little before my test.

Too fast too fast.
Too slow too slow.

For generally knowing what I want, I am at a loss. I feel like I have been pushed into a hole and the entrance is blocked. There is no way out.

I'm quite angry- but for other reasons. I want to yell and scream but I've never been that type of person. Since when did you make the rules?

This is supposed to be freedom, but I feel restrained. This is not what I planned. You planned it all. Until now, I've never said a word.

I'm angry at your opinions, I'm angry at your actions, and I'm angry at your assumptions. I'm a big girl. I know how to do things. I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am.

Michelle wants me to update and I really don't know what to say. Well, I know what to say rather I don't know how to say it. I've never been good at voicing my opinion when it could possibly hurt some feelings.

I don't know what it is but it seems like I'm doing nothing right: all evidence to the contrary.
I got an A on my last calculus test
I got a C on my last physics test
I got above the class average on my last geo test (I got a high C)
But really? Nothing much to show for it.

I keep deleting and re-writing this section. Then I delete it again. Thus meaning I really don't want to say anything more.
I wish I could get it right, but you can't force words onto unwilling lips (or in this case, journal entries).

I leave you with my sincerest apologies in being unable to entertain you more.

Solid C on my physics test- with my multiple choice and long answer.

Today is going to be a busy day. I have my one class (physics studio), then I need to get some capa done. Or ... my geo homework that is due tomorrow. Then work from three to six- which isn't bad. Just three hours. Three retarded hours. I wonder why our schedule is so mixed up right now...
Then I promised one of the girls that works there (Charlotte) that I'd go to CRU with her. I guess if anything it'll make my mom and grandma happy that I'm going to some semblance of a youth group? I don't mind going... if I know people there. It's hard being on the outside looking in when you're in a place like that.
Then I have to help with the movie (Wall-E! ) because that poor girl doesn't have any help and she runs around trying to set this awesome stuff up for us all the time. I can't believe they took all her help away from her for FAC. Who needs that many people helping out? Seriously.

Well, last night we went bowling. Morgan came to bowl with us! :D! It was fun and she kicked all our asses pretty hardcore. BUT! I did break one hundred both games! Twas fun. I'm glad Morgan came with us! She's pretty awesome!

I think that's really about it. Busy day, but it'll be a good day. I'm sure of it.

Last week I changed my major. It wasn't a HUGE change from what it was- Geological Engineering with an emphasis on mineral and fuel exploration to Geological Engineering with an emphasis in engineering- but still had to go through and change my LIFE for it. Though, I feel somewhat a failure as I have yet to pass this darn physics class. Seriously, I know that it WILL come SOMEWHAT in handy later in life, but I really don't see that I have to go so much into depth with it... I'm not dealing with wires, I'm dealing with rock and dirt and climate. Plus, I want everything to be static in my situation so I really ought to have to focus more on the static aspect of physics rather than movement...though I guess knowing where a rock will fall in repect to a cliff would be a good idea.

Forgive me if I know not of what I speak- it's still only my second year (beginning of it at that) so if I'm completely wrong I'd love for someone to tell me so and explain why.

I love school, really I do. It gives me some sense of ...being? Identity? I belong somewhere. Like, in class there are people who are just as excited about the Earth and how it was formed as I am. Don't get me wrong: I don't ace the tests or anything. In fact, I got slaughtered by the last one.
I really just need to buckle down. It's hard though, when you're working two jobs, going to school full time, and your family wants to see you every weekend. Shouldn't be complaining, I suppose. They do pay for my gas most of the time... But still. It's just hard, and I realize too that there are people who have kids too on top of a job and full time student status and I am in awe of them. There is this woman in my geo class who has a full time job (teaching), a three year old, AND she's going to school full time. To me, she is super-woman. If she can do it, I can do it.


I think what's going to need to happen this next weekend (which happens to be fall break) is that I'm going to have to cut off caffeine. It is too addicting and today alone I will be consuming two energy drinks just to get me through the day.
My dad was going to take me to Dove Creek and we were going to pick up my cousin and her boy on the way, but now we can't because of the van (and now I told my boss that I can work that weekend because "my vacation died") and I'm pretty bummed.
Yes, I do want to travel a little bit. Yes, I like city life, but I want to live there. One day I will live in Dove Creek and it will be amazing. Just you see. I will have a ranch, I will have dogs, I will have an amazing life. Plus- I love pinto beans.

Speaking of Dove Creek, I will tell you one of the things I learned from dating Grant (farmer from Dove Creek- has the largest crop in the area): if you really want something, there will be a way you can get it if you try hard enough.

Well, I'm going to keep trying because I know what I want and I'll be damned if I don't get it.

The past week has really been pretty busy. Working the first half of the week, then class after class for the later part of the week.
Pretty much, I have been trying my hardest to keep as busy as possible. I'm in a rut, I want to make it out alive.
Honestly I know I should be over this. Over and done. I want to feel alive again, I want to have my self confidence back. There should be nothing holding me back, so I don't know why I still feel like crap.

Feeling like this can only damage whatever relationships I eventually come across.

I guess this is me telling myself to get my act in gear.

Just let it be.

Currently I am feeling... remarkably better. Kind of like I could take the world in a beat-down. Well, besides physics- but who can take physics? Seriously.

Yesterday I randomly got inspiration for the weirdest place: High School Musical Two
Yeah, don't ask. I don't even know.

So... now I'm in a really good mood and I'm pretty pumped about life.

I don't know. I better go study now. Full update later, I suppose.

I got called ma'am today like... three times.

I don't know why, but it seemed semi-significant.

My GEGN 202 Trip:


( cut for massive picture uploadage )

In other news: I'm going to see The Break and Repair Method on November 10th! Awesome.

I'm tired of this entry.

The trip was fairly eventful. I just... don't know what to say about it. It was amazing, wonderful, just what I wanted.

I am exhausted like I thought I would be, but not as happy as I was hoping.
Tomorrow, when I'm not half asleep in my chair, I'll go through and explain everything. I promise.
Right now I have this flood of feelings and regrets and thoughts that are wanted so hard to come out. I want to say exactly what I mean, but it all sounds so horrible in my head right now that I don't think I'd actually get the thoughts across correctly.

I'll try tomorrow. After I've slept in my own bed and gotten all this sand out of everywhere.