Making a Change:

my mother called my aunt and told her the "situation". Apparently my Aunt Janet will be calling me.

Though what I think will happen is they'll have a "sit down" with me when I'm home today. I half expect it. If that is the case I will be leaving promptly.
First off, I don't appreciate her going behind my back like that.
Secondly, this WILL cause me to dislike my family possibly forever.
Thirdly, it's not helping, it's hurting. I feel like I've been backed into a corner.
Lastly, this is probably the LEAST Christian thing to do- just so it isn't blamed on the faith of my family and...oh wait. Me too. NO WHERE does it say THOU SHALT SCRUTINIZE THY FAMILY


this is... really tearing me apart : /

I don't know if I should say anything seeing as this could not only ruin now, but could also ruin my future.

Cryptic, I know. I just don't want to outright say anything because apparently I don't know what I want. I know what everyone else wants, but what about me? Frankly, I'm tired of making bad choices for myself.

This is a problem even watching youtube videos of Rob Thomas cannot fix.

In other news, I haven't updated in a while! Therefore, I must update you.
Last monday night I went with Ben to the Break and Repair Method concert (I guess it was ACTUALLY Matt Nathanson's but...whatever Matt). I MET Paul Doucette. I texted cindy and michelle about it but they didn't really give me the reaction I wanted considering they know how in love with Matchbox Twenty I am. But I MET him. I have a picture of me with him, but I am lazy and don't want to post it.

Failed Macro exam. Got 80 on the Geo exam. I'm stressing. I need money.

Ugh. this doesn't even hold a candle to everyones recent updates. I just don't know what I can or cannot say. Shouldn't care, I know, but I do.

I'm pondering life and where I want to end up. I want a life that is moving like a good song. I want a love that keeps me strong. I want a house with a hundred acres of land. I want to feel like I'm doing something worth my while. I want friends that are here to stay.
I want to be a rock; and anchor. I want to hold it together.
I want some space and time.
But really, what I want most of all is to be happy with my own life.

I can't tell you when I last felt accomplished or happy- or at least on the top of my head. There is no way someone ought to feel so horribly alone in a room full of people, knowing full well there is SOMEONE in that same room having the SAME feelings running through their head.

Problem is that if I decide to tell someone exactly what I'm feeling I'm afraid they'll be like "well, someone always has it worse than you". Maybe they do. Maybe there is some poor person being tortured and doesn't know if their family is still alive. Honestly though, I don't want to hear that. I want to hear "it will be okay, Rachel".

I want somebody who will honestly believe it when they are saying it. I want somebody who won't just stop talking to me. I want somebody who will tell me they miss me.
I want somebody who tells me they love me to not take it back a couple weeks later.

I want someone to love me for me. Through my faults, through my craziness, through my hard times.

Crazy, I know.
Love is something to be given freely. You can't tell someone to earn your love. Love is not earned, it is given whether you deserve it or not. This is actually mentioned in a quote I read a few days ago... You love someone even when they don't deserve it because that is when they need it most.

There is no way I can tell you who to love. You just do. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

/vent


It sucks because I don't know what I want, or who I need to talk to.

Right now I feel like... punching a wall in. Taking a walk might help, but I've taken so many of those just to calm down that I don't know that even walking miles and miles would help. Currently I'm trying to keep busy to keep my head out of the clouds, but it isn't working in the slightest. How can you keep moving forward when you're tied to the floor?

I try to think of other people in his place. But I end up thinking "grant" rather than "sean" and it's ruined. Apparently I can't even have crushes on other people without thinking about him. It sucks.

I refuse to call him myself. Jen was all "Just call him and get it over with", but no. I'm not the one that said it wasn't working, so I'm not going to be the one calling. If he wants to break up, fine. But he has to grow a pair and call to say it. Not only is it rude to break up through text, it's tacky. I honestly don't want to tell people that my last boyfriend broke up with me through text- because I know he's not a bad guy. And I guess it wounds my pride quite a bit too, if I'm going to be totally honest.

Really, this is just killing me on the inside. It's like... you're crushed by a rock, but you're still alive: this is the initial blow. This rock falling causes sand to start falling as well. It piles on you and the rock day by day, little by little, until you are finally crushed to death. Actually, it almost feels like that too: chest constricting, heart beating harder to keep the body going.

What really sucks is I really freaking want to cry, but I can't. I'll start- I'll tear up and it'll get hard to breathe- but that's it. Like I'm watching bambi's mom get shot or something- it's sad but it's not real.

Maybe that's it. It doesn't feel real to me. Maybe I'm still surprised by the ordeal. I had/have a boyfriend for the first time in over a year, and he really liked/likes me. The past tense probably being more suitable for our situation. Though, after this fiasco, I feel like I really don't want to try again.
I don't, really. It hurts too much. Maybe it would be better to just assume the position of "there is no one for me, oh well, buy me a kitten" than to be optimistic.

I wish this wasn't so whiny, but that's how it is. That is my life at the moment. Lots of suck.

School is alright. I understand physics finally- calculus too. Classes, even though I'm taking nineteen credit hours, are quite easy. Then again, it's only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine it will get much harder than this.
Human systems kind of irks me though. Don't get me wrong, history is interesting, but I would really rather be getting my core classes done with and moving on to my major.

Paid for my geo trip that is taking place 11-13 of September. Missing NDK for it, but... you know. I really don't feel as if I fit in anymore. I don't know if it's me leaving others behind or the other way around or both ways, but it's... really sad. But I guess I don't have to worry about seeing Eric if I'm not even there, though.

Someone has really bad breaks...SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH

Been watching DBGT. It cheers me up a bit. Nothing like a good dose of Vegeta to cheer me up. That and a few drinks of diet pepsi but... yeah.

Planning on going to bed relatively early...again. Considering I take allergy pills so I can sleep through the night, it's a good idea. Maybe it's all this stress, but I wake up generally twice during the night. I hate it, so I'm trying to head it off. May just get to the point where I'm taking straight sleeping pills, but I really hope it doesn't get that bad.
I'm keeping up with my homework, so I am doing pretty good.



Well that was me dumping my feelings at you. Enjoy!

This is really my last straw. I can't take this anymore. What is wrong with me?

Every relationship I'm in I ROYALLY FUCK UP and half the time I don't know what I did wrong. Why me?

Don't I deserve to be happy at all? I mean, come on! Stop giving me something to be happy about then taking it away.

Every time. I think it's the same limit too, two months. Things go okay for two months, then they die.

I wish I was more guarded, like I used to be. If I had stayed the way I was when I was younger, none of this would have happened. Maybe I would have been better off. Maybe I'd have more prominent scaring on my knuckles, but at least I wouldn't be in severe emotional and physical pain.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back they were always yours; if they don't they never were.

Well, my friends. I have done a lot of letting go, and I'm tired of not getting a return.

Everything just sucks.

That's all.


I'm particularly bitter and want to stab all those couples walking down the street holding hands. Three in the past five minutes.

I. Don't know what to do with myself. I suppose that when school starts I'll have something to do so it won't be so bad.


BUT STILL.

I want love. Maybe Jen will come over and cuddle with me. I'm pretty sure that that would make me feel better.

My hug quota is to the level of "DESPERATELY NEEDING" and the love count is at "DWINDLING"

This is the most delicious latte I have ever tasted. Higher Grounds is amazing.

We carry on.
Our hearts break.
We cry.
But we continue life.
Living is hardest when you feel alone.

Alone.
Are we alone?

I am the type of person who needs either long-term commitment, or none.
If you don't think we'd work out a year from now, don't date me.
I'd rather be alone than think someone loved me who really doesn't.
I don't want that again.


Sometimes people tell you things that make you wonder.
Best friends tell you they like you.
People you see every day tell you a secret.
People you've known for a while do something that you didn't think they would.
People you thought you loved tell you they don't love you "like that".

It's life.

You think it'll never happen to you, but it does.

In the past week alone, I've been accused of being a bitch, a slut, and a nag.
It's funny.
I'm a bitch when I'm trying to be nice.
I'm a slut when I want to keep myself to one guy.
I'm a nag when I want to find a solution to a problem no one else seems to want to fix.

may I ask how I earned these titles?

Generally I believe people are nice.
But then I meet some that aren't so nice.
People hate how I am honest about what I think they are.
Usually I end out being right.
They don't like it.

I'm civil to people I don't like. If there is anything I have learned in school, it is that being nice to your enemies confuses them. You confuse them enough, they'll leave you alone.



But alone is what we're fighting here.

maybe I need to be a flirt?
Would that take the loneliness away?
I wish just being with friends would help. It does, to an extent.
But at the end of the day, I need to be cuddled by the person I love and who loves me back.

I'll give relationships a try later. Not now. Not for a while.
the concerning individual(s) will need to wait it out.
Not ready yet.
I'll tell you when.

I want someone to love.
I want someone to love me.
that's all I wanted.
._.

today
I am staying home from church
I am finishing my chemistry homework whether I like it or not.
keep busy, Rei, keep busy.

at five I'm returning Eric's things whether he is home or not. I'd prefer that he is home so that I don't have to really talk to his parents. I really couldn't bear that now.

It feels so unreal. This morning I woke up and thought of Eric. at first I forgot. Then I remembered and all of it was real again. All the hurt was real again.

I don't expect to stay long, maybe five minutes or so due to my crying. He'll probably try for a hug, like he always does when things happen like this. I don't want it. Unless he's going to say "I'm sorry" I don't want to touch him. I can't.

Goodness. I really suck. Oh well. I guess dorms are an option now, neh?


and, to be morbid and quote my favorite movie of all time (double points!)
"When Buttercup heard the news she was devistated. She went to her room and shut the door. For days she nither slept nor ate.
'I shall never love again.'"

except I will eat...I like food too much not to. and I can't function without sleep so I will be doing that too. not much, obviously. last night I went to bed around...two. woke up at seven. I'm fuctioning quite well. besides...the hole in my chest and the engorged stomache. But I suppose under the circumstances that's great.
took some stuff for my stomache so I won't get ulcers (though I'm sure I already have a few).

._. that's all I guess