Making a Change:

"we don't have keys to those houses..."
BULL!


I am the daughter of a Realtor and I KNOW for a FACT that you have the fsking keys. Until the house is sold to someone, the model homes place HAS THE KEYS.


Gawd.

I want to look for my cat, jerkwad. I don't want to cook meth or anything. UGH.

Can't do anything right it seems.

this includes all aspects of my life; apparently I fail at them all.



When it rains, it pours, neh?

and the check I wrote for my AP testing fee bounced. (even though they are SUPPOSED TO take money out of savings when stuff like this happens)



and they are charging me 26 dollars handling fee.


they're fucking ripping me off. I just deposited money yesterday. fuckers.
gah!




/depletion of language

So.

I don't get to go to Casa Bonita now.

I was TOLD by my mother LAST WEEK that we were going tomorrow. But, apparently it was moved up without my knowledge. Therefore, I don't get to go with my family because of this essay I put off because I THOUGHT I would be able to do it today without having any problems.

and no one in my family freaking cared to ask me. I TOLD my mom that I was doing my essay today. RIGHT TO HER FACE.

Add that to the crampage


I'm friggen PISSED OFF.



way to make me feel wanted, guys.


edit: Just called, and she said the plan was casa bonita TODAY the entire time and tomorrow was the family dinner.

could have informed me?
I was told thursday. whatever. quiet house I guess? and my siblings rubbing this in my face, but whatever, right?

Went to bed way early last night. Didn't do any of my homework.

I dreamt about him again.

It's really tiring, how someone who hurt you so much still has the ability to make an impact on your life.

I want it to stop.

Since I can't be with him, I want to be able to let go completely.

Every morning I wake up hoping he'll be there waiting for me at the school's entrance, but he will never be there again. Never, ever.


Things will never be the same, but I suppose I ought to try to stop thinking about it.
I would love it to be so easy.

The bed is never quite as warm as it should be anymore.
It's harder to talk to others with confidence.
Time goes much slower.
Everything seems wrong.

Or maybe it's just me.

I have gotten home from school, right?

I'm horridly tired. So I lay down, not really wanting to SLEEP but to just relax.

I accidentally fall asleep.

at around five, my sister comes in with the phone, it's mom. Mom gets on my case about talking to people and stuff then she's like "the school sent me a progress report, you're getting an F in Chem"

WTF?! it's not even a MONTH through the first semester. NOT EVEN A FSKING MONTH.

How do I know this? Eric broke up with me a month ago, first week was still classes, second week was finals (which I remember because they were like hell), the two weeks after that were regular school for the SECOND SEMESTER.

TWO WEEKS INTO SCHOOL.

What gives them the right to be sending my transcripts when not even two weeks of work have been entered in yet? Maz has been gone HALF of the days we have chem because of sickness, so OF COURSE I don't have a good grade. I would be surprised if ANYONE did.

I am so infuriated right now, I could seriously hurt someone.
THEN I woke up all the way (after I had gotten off the phone) and Amy hasn't even STARTED her homework yet. I get yelled at if she doesn't do her homework, so I yell at her to tell her that if she doesn't get her homework done I will make sure she gets grounded. So far it's working.

I need to take a bath to cool down, but I can't until Amy finishes her homework because I KNOW the second I step into that bathtub, she will be watching tv again.

ugh.

quistis squall: now that I am back with steven I am going to be doing a lot more with him so I really dont know what is going on at the moment





I don't even care that his SN is in full view. He disgusts me.


IHATEYOU. I wish I never met you. Just because I don't get along with your stupid fucking friends, you see it fit to ruin everything. Every time you said "I love you" you fucking lied.

You are an asshole.

As simple as that.
You fucking prick.

Go fuck your "best friend" and see if he's better than me.
When you find yourself missing me, I'll be long gone.

Ihateyou. Ihateyou. Ihateyou. Ihateyou.


._. alone.

so...after all that. Mom read my last blog in the wrong context. She got mad at me. Being upset already, I walked out of the house.
I honestly didn't know exactly where I was going at first, but I knew I couldn't go home just then.
Then only one person came to mind: Eric.
I knew I wasn't on THAT great of terms with him, but I was with his family so it was okay.

I walked to walmart to warm up. Called home to tell my brother where I was. Told him I'd end up at Aunt Janet's or Sam's. Whoever came first.

Made it to Smokey hill and Gunclub (the one that is no longer connected to the main road...by Albertsons) and this couple came by and gave me a ride. Dropped me off right by Eric's house.

Came by, Eric's dad gave me a look of disbelief. Sat by the doorway curled in a ball, Eric came up and we just sat there. He wanted to cheer me up, so he took me downstairs and showed me this thing with final fantasy and burger king. It was kinda funny.

We talked. He..said he still loves me, but he can't trust me. I still don't understand how he can't trust me when it's really something so little. He did things five times worse to me multiple times and I still trusted him. Sure, ALL the trust still wasn't there, but it's only been a year. what can you expect from me?

He made it very clear he still loved me.
I just wish he would trust me again.
He told me to go to Sam's because staying there would make us both worse than before.
I still don't agree with that, but whatever he wants to think.

Dad called. Erik called. Aunt Janet called. Went to Aunt Janet's house afterword. She talked to me. Gave me warm clothes. I tried watching a movie with my cousin but I fell asleep. Three hour nap.

Woke up...mom had called. She said it was up to me to call. But..after she got mad at me this morning for really no reason (I know that was typed wrong, but everyone knows I didn't mean it LIKE THAT) I honestly have no desire to talk to her. She came up, I said hello. She didn't answer until I looked at her. She asked how I was, I said "okay, you?" and she just walked away. WTF?
I'm sorry you took that wrong, but it's NOT my fault. YOU decided to read what was on my screen (which horridly invaded my privacy btw).

I edited the entry to what I MEANT. But, it's not like she's talking to me anyway so ...whatever.

At least I clarified things with Eric today, neh?
Though...it still makes me wonder what went on through his head that made it such a big deal but...i'llgetoverit.
I think.

But...I'm glad things went like that today.

I have gotten over the first step.
I have decided not to even try asking him what went wrong.

He has given me a new answer every time.

anyway.
I mean...I still want him. there is still the longing. but that should go away as time passes.

If I was like that, tonight would be the perfect night for a one-night-stand.

but I'm not.

I'll just get over this on my own.
hiding in chemlab worked.

You know what is funny though?
I saw him looking at me through the window over the entrance to the school. In calc, I caught him staring several times.

It's funny.
he brought it upon himself though. not my fault dear, not my fault.

He said he couldn't trust me anymore. Then expected to be friends still.
sorry, hun. I don't walk that way. You can't trust me, I can't even be your friend.


The End. Good day sir.


um...
heeeh

lah.
<3

It WAS Steven

haha.

He was bragging about it to Chris.
Chris is my friend (I adopted him as brother).
Hello Steven. Thanks for making life hell :D
I hope karma kicks you in the butt.


As for Eric, I wrote him a farewell letter. Yes. It was MY conclusion to this relationship. Gave him my journals that are filled with him and memories from him.

Just tying all loose ends.

Dropped by Chem office this morning, told Maz about Eric. Told her why I dressed up.

Geology, I talked with Alyssia. We are going to try and do something on friday...hopefully. Get my mind off things.
Math...Eric was an ass. I gave him my letter and journals saying "humor me" and he spit back "It won't help anything." I told him "Wrong, it will help me." He glared at me. I told him not to. Told him (though I don't know if he heard me) that he's an asshole and that he and Steven make a fine couple.

Almost cried. Got over it and got to math. Raced out of the classroom as fast as I could. Ben and Chris were there to take me somewhere of my chosing. We went to Old Chicago. I ate a bit (though I was feeling sick in chem later : /). Learned of Steven and his puppetry of the Eric-puppet.
I laughed. It was...exactly as I thought. Chris tried to convince me that Steven brags about things that he didn't do, but ...I'm sure he did. You can't go from loving someone one day to practically hating them the next.

It has Steven written all over it.
And the fact that Eric was talking to other girls just amplified it.

Eric knows I have this account, though I don't know if he'll read it. He'll hate that I'm badmouthing his friend. But ...what kind of friend badmouths you when you're not around? = steven.

You know, I've done all I can. If he isn't convinced that Steven is just using him by now, he never will be. /shrug

While I would have liked it to end better, I suppose that hatred is what he holds for me now. That means that I should just hold my head up. I'm better than them. I don't tell lies to my friends, or to those I care about. I'm leaving this relationship knowing that I did nothing wrong. all my actions were justified and I kept my promises.
And...it makes me feel better knowing that.

Though I'd feel so much better if I could just punch Eric and Steven in the face. I'd love to, but I'd get in trouble.
Even though Eric and I broke up, I'd still like to be on his family's good side.
I'm being vengeful but ...if I don't do anything mean, I'm sure his family will make him feel a little guilty. I wonder what he told Rachel. And Gail. Heck, him mom. "Oh yeah, I found someone new." or "Steven told me to" or "We just don't like each other anymore" or "we always fight" (which was one of the excuses he gave me...but he even admitted to me one day that he liked fighting as long as it came to a good conclusion...aka we were closer or finally figured out something).

I don't know. I have a lot to say, but don't know exactly how to put it... whatever.

/done

edit: though you probably would not have KNOWN my hypothesis because that is in a private entry a day or two ago >.> which I shall make friends only for your viewing pleasure.

http://veggie-runt.deadjournal.com/123492.html

As such, I am getting all my items back..
here is what we have found of mine thus far:

• pokemon cards
  
• binder that contained my pokemon cards
• book cover
• six and counting hairties
• two clips
• pair of scissors
• my matching comb and brush
• my collectors coca cola pen
• my innohep pen from camp seven years ago
• my flashlight
• my thumbtacs
• my easter candle

and that was in the first half an hour of cleaning up in there
and that was just MY stuff. We also found our old phone, my mom's post-its, and several other things.

Today so far is not my cup of tea.

cleaned the kitchen, that was all good and fun. Then I told my mom and brother they "sucked" because they were making fun of me. My mom got all pissy and was like "you don't say that in this house!"

So I continued on to making coco rum balls. They turned out crappy because they were too sticky. My mom made fun of them. yay. ._.

So then I got tired of watching Married with Children, so I was going to change the channel. Erik decided he wanted to keep watching it, so he lept for the remote (it was on the counter) and proceeded to keep it away from me. I WAS there long before him. I was making cookies as well, so by default I got the television anyway (we have this familyroom mixed with a kitchen type thing going).
So I got angry, took the remote, but he kept grabbing for it. So I took one of the batteries out. He went to get another pair and I unhooked the cable. Take that sucker!

Then went to tell mom about it and said "what else is new?"
Dad did nothing but ask me why I did that, and he just went on his merry way.

So Erik got what he wanted. I am QUITE angry. I'm going to leave the mess on the counter and I won't make any more cookies. They can clean that up. They're lucky I already cleaned so it isn't that much.

I really don't want to go to Old Chicago with them : / . at all.

I am really sick of living here

I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I am sososososo tired of their stupid favoritism.

We were waiting at Old Chicago to get our table, and we had gone outside the place to get some air because it was crowded. Amy ran to the other side of the street and I told her to come back because the buzzer we got might lose signal. Erik told me I didn't know what I'm talking about and I got mad. I KNOW what I'm talking about. It's like a wireless network, except all it does is make the buzzer go off.

I yelled at him and was told to cut it out. Told my parents no, they never take my word, they always protect Erik's. I got told to shut up by my mom.

My siblings, hell- even my parents, are very lucky I'm around and they never seem to notice it.

What did I do all day? I cleaned their stupid house. Why? because I thought that since my siblings wouldn't they would be able to take it easy tomorrow (you know, because I already finished half of it).

I am the reject child. I'm too different from the rest of my family.

Eric keeps saying "I have to get you out of that house" and I keep telling him not to say it so badly. It's not like I'm being abused. I know my parents love me. They just don't think I need as much attention as my brother and sister, but I do. I might not need the negative attention, but I sure would like to have them be proud of me once in a while.

today...was crap.

Woke up this morning to my mother making my brother breakfast. Usually this wouldn't bother me, but it did. I just am tired of them favoring him and Amy all the time. I can't tell you when the last time they spent time with me voulentarily was. I usually have to force them to just watch a movie with me.

That and the arguement Eric and I had last night just...made me want to die.

So, when Eric wasn't talking to me no matter how much I tried to get him to, I stormed off. It wasn't really him at all. When he wouldn't talk, the hallway kept crashing around me and it was suffocating. That was almost unbearable. That and the fact it felt like I was alone and no one was listening kind of drove me out. I was caught by Stephanie from my lifeguard training class, she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to say; she barely knows me! She gave me a hug. Eric came running up, caught me in a hug so I couldn't walk away, and wouldn't let go.

It was embarrasing to say the least. Everyone walking in could see and hear me crying and I couldn't do a thing to stop it.

Needless to say, didn't go to first hour. Parents don't know about it, and I don't intend to let them know unless they ask about it specifically. It's just how I am.

Though, this is the only day I'll do this, ever. Never, never again.

I did get a hug from Eric's mom, which was weird.

However, I did go to the rest of my classes. I mean, there were only two, but at least I went to them, right?


That was my day. yep...

Will someone care?


Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?


( Let's open up a resturant in Santa Fe )

I was going to put up some pictures of my house for michelle, but I remembered that my connection cable for my camera is lost and I took the pictures on the camera's memory and not the memory card. Eventually I'll need to run over to best buy and get a new one.

Went to my senior meeting on thursday. Basically he told me that if I keep my grades up and do well on the SAT I'll probably be accepted into School of Mines. Hopefully he's right. Even with my unweighted he says I'm pretty okay scale-wise (3.44 as of the end of last school year).

Friday I came home and finished my Jacket for my cosplay. Once I finish the entire thing I'll post the picture. But oddly enough, I have not been able to find the dress I need for Karen. I'm...upset kinda. It's the simplest dress in the world. Just a straight down, black dress. I might leave in a few minutes to get to ARC to get something I could modify into said dress. But, really...it's just a long black dress >.>

And I need hair dye. Red. yes.

Apparently I'd look good as a red-head?

Yesterday was hell in a box. Colorguard went up into the hallway and we were trying to get some work done but NO ONE would listen to me besides Mel and Brittany. WTF? After two hours I gave up on anyone really doing any work, so we went down to where the band was to just do drill, because we thought they were doing the new stuff. Nope. Worked on the first song all day, and H didn't even work with the guard. BUT we know our drill pretty well (or at least the girls closest to me seem to...) so we're good.


ANYway. Got a sunburn. That was...happy.

Went to Eric's house for a bit. Watched Robin Hood Men in Tights. went home, cleaned. Sam was going to come over. but...after a slew of calls to her house just gave up and went to bed (at seven >.>). She is the one who wanted to be friends again. I made an effort, she should at least be kind enough to tell me she's not going to show up. I feel...insulted.

But, woke up feeling quite crappy. Still feel crappy anyway. BUT my sunburn turned into a tan overnight so that is good. I actually have some color to my face now :D

and the dogs got out because the gate was blown open last night and we didn't see it. All three dogs left, and ...we found them all. Simon figured out the guy-dog thing and tried to impregnate Angel. So...maybe we'll have puppies this fall? We've been hoping for some puppies, though we'll be giving away the first litter. Anyone want a puppy (if we have any...)?
I need to get going, after I go to ARC I'm going to finish up my labs for chem along with my compbooking for the last chapter. then print out all the webassigns (even the ones past due) and work on those. Google my geology homework because I didn't have time to get a book (surprise surprise). There was no AP calc homework. Lang homework can wait a day. And human geo is just a joke so I'll forget about that stuff for a bit.

Maybe I'll give Eric a call? or drop by and see chris? maybe both? Idunno. Or Ben. someone

woke up too late to really do the homework I needed to do at home, so updating now.

This weekend was hectic. Saturday was the fitness festival, which in itself was fun. But...gah. We all know Drummer John, right (maybe it's Jon...)? Well, while guard was getting their flags he starts talking to us, then all of a sudden he's like "okay guard, try not to embarass the band this year like you do every year, okay?" I was about to punch him in the face. We might have been bad last year, but...the year before? no way. we were pretty darn good the year before.

So today, at the game. I really want to be bitter and just be go up to him and say "you know, don't embarass us today, okay?" I was debating on flipping him the finger but...that's a little harsh.


School is hectic. I am behind in my labs and webassign. I'm caught up on my compbook though.
Everything else I'm doing alright in. Geology is easy. Math is...review still for me. Lang is a joke. But not as much as Human Geo. Lifeguard training is kind of neat...yeah


that's about it. I'd update more, but I have to go drive mi hermano y yo to school.

mmmm like the spanish? XD

I really.fucking.hate.hinman.

we don't have a coach, so naturally we have to do something for the fitness festival. makes sense, right?

then he gets mad when two colorguard members leave, but it's okay for all those guys in band who I saw leaving to leave. then he blamed colorguard for lack of band unity.

I am so close to quitting. No joke. I am irritated beyond my usual limit and I wish he'd go burn.

My mom tells me I shouldn't be mean to him because it would make things worse. To grin and bear it. You know what? I've gone through this for three years and not said a word to him about it. This is my fourth year, my senior year, my LAST year. I want it to be fun. Colorguard isn't fun anymore. I had to yell at the rest of the girls for not getting along. I told them that if they can't get along, they can leave.

I'm sure I'm being a bitch : D but I really don't give a shit. ha.

Steve Irwin died this morning

I am

shocked.



Well, Rest in peace good sir. : /