And this is how a heart breaks.
I can't tell you when I last felt accomplished or happy- or at least on the top of my head. There is no way someone ought to feel so horribly alone in a room full of people, knowing full well there is SOMEONE in that same room having the SAME feelings running through their head.
Problem is that if I decide to tell someone exactly what I'm feeling I'm afraid they'll be like "well, someone always has it worse than you". Maybe they do. Maybe there is some poor person being tortured and doesn't know if their family is still alive. Honestly though, I don't want to hear that. I want to hear "it will be okay, Rachel".
I want somebody who will honestly believe it when they are saying it. I want somebody who won't just stop talking to me. I want somebody who will tell me they miss me.
I want somebody who tells me they love me to not take it back a couple weeks later.
I want someone to love me for me. Through my faults, through my craziness, through my hard times.
Crazy, I know.
Love is something to be given freely. You can't tell someone to earn your love. Love is not earned, it is given whether you deserve it or not. This is actually mentioned in a quote I read a few days ago... You love someone even when they don't deserve it because that is when they need it most.
There is no way I can tell you who to love. You just do. There is no rhyme or reason to it.
/vent
It sucks because I don't know what I want, or who I need to talk to.
Right now I feel like... punching a wall in. Taking a walk might help, but I've taken so many of those just to calm down that I don't know that even walking miles and miles would help. Currently I'm trying to keep busy to keep my head out of the clouds, but it isn't working in the slightest. How can you keep moving forward when you're tied to the floor?
I try to think of other people in his place. But I end up thinking "grant" rather than "sean" and it's ruined. Apparently I can't even have crushes on other people without thinking about him. It sucks.
I refuse to call him myself. Jen was all "Just call him and get it over with", but no. I'm not the one that said it wasn't working, so I'm not going to be the one calling. If he wants to break up, fine. But he has to grow a pair and call to say it. Not only is it rude to break up through text, it's tacky. I honestly don't want to tell people that my last boyfriend broke up with me through text- because I know he's not a bad guy. And I guess it wounds my pride quite a bit too, if I'm going to be totally honest.
Really, this is just killing me on the inside. It's like... you're crushed by a rock, but you're still alive: this is the initial blow. This rock falling causes sand to start falling as well. It piles on you and the rock day by day, little by little, until you are finally crushed to death. Actually, it almost feels like that too: chest constricting, heart beating harder to keep the body going.
What really sucks is I really freaking want to cry, but I can't. I'll start- I'll tear up and it'll get hard to breathe- but that's it. Like I'm watching bambi's mom get shot or something- it's sad but it's not real.
Maybe that's it. It doesn't feel real to me. Maybe I'm still surprised by the ordeal. I had/have a boyfriend for the first time in over a year, and he really liked/likes me. The past tense probably being more suitable for our situation. Though, after this fiasco, I feel like I really don't want to try again.
I don't, really. It hurts too much. Maybe it would be better to just assume the position of "there is no one for me, oh well, buy me a kitten" than to be optimistic.
I wish this wasn't so whiny, but that's how it is. That is my life at the moment. Lots of suck.
School is alright. I understand physics finally- calculus too. Classes, even though I'm taking nineteen credit hours, are quite easy. Then again, it's only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine it will get much harder than this.
Human systems kind of irks me though. Don't get me wrong, history is interesting, but I would really rather be getting my core classes done with and moving on to my major.
Paid for my geo trip that is taking place 11-13 of September. Missing NDK for it, but... you know. I really don't feel as if I fit in anymore. I don't know if it's me leaving others behind or the other way around or both ways, but it's... really sad. But I guess I don't have to worry about seeing Eric if I'm not even there, though.
Someone has really bad breaks...SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH
Been watching DBGT. It cheers me up a bit. Nothing like a good dose of Vegeta to cheer me up. That and a few drinks of diet pepsi but... yeah.
Planning on going to bed relatively early...again. Considering I take allergy pills so I can sleep through the night, it's a good idea. Maybe it's all this stress, but I wake up generally twice during the night. I hate it, so I'm trying to head it off. May just get to the point where I'm taking straight sleeping pills, but I really hope it doesn't get that bad.
I'm keeping up with my homework, so I am doing pretty good.
Well that was me dumping my feelings at you. Enjoy!
Problem is that if I decide to tell someone exactly what I'm feeling I'm afraid they'll be like "well, someone always has it worse than you". Maybe they do. Maybe there is some poor person being tortured and doesn't know if their family is still alive. Honestly though, I don't want to hear that. I want to hear "it will be okay, Rachel".
I want somebody who will honestly believe it when they are saying it. I want somebody who won't just stop talking to me. I want somebody who will tell me they miss me.
I want somebody who tells me they love me to not take it back a couple weeks later.
I want someone to love me for me. Through my faults, through my craziness, through my hard times.
Crazy, I know.
Love is something to be given freely. You can't tell someone to earn your love. Love is not earned, it is given whether you deserve it or not. This is actually mentioned in a quote I read a few days ago... You love someone even when they don't deserve it because that is when they need it most.
There is no way I can tell you who to love. You just do. There is no rhyme or reason to it.
/vent
It sucks because I don't know what I want, or who I need to talk to.
Right now I feel like... punching a wall in. Taking a walk might help, but I've taken so many of those just to calm down that I don't know that even walking miles and miles would help. Currently I'm trying to keep busy to keep my head out of the clouds, but it isn't working in the slightest. How can you keep moving forward when you're tied to the floor?
I try to think of other people in his place. But I end up thinking "grant" rather than "sean" and it's ruined. Apparently I can't even have crushes on other people without thinking about him. It sucks.
I refuse to call him myself. Jen was all "Just call him and get it over with", but no. I'm not the one that said it wasn't working, so I'm not going to be the one calling. If he wants to break up, fine. But he has to grow a pair and call to say it. Not only is it rude to break up through text, it's tacky. I honestly don't want to tell people that my last boyfriend broke up with me through text- because I know he's not a bad guy. And I guess it wounds my pride quite a bit too, if I'm going to be totally honest.
Really, this is just killing me on the inside. It's like... you're crushed by a rock, but you're still alive: this is the initial blow. This rock falling causes sand to start falling as well. It piles on you and the rock day by day, little by little, until you are finally crushed to death. Actually, it almost feels like that too: chest constricting, heart beating harder to keep the body going.
What really sucks is I really freaking want to cry, but I can't. I'll start- I'll tear up and it'll get hard to breathe- but that's it. Like I'm watching bambi's mom get shot or something- it's sad but it's not real.
Maybe that's it. It doesn't feel real to me. Maybe I'm still surprised by the ordeal. I had/have a boyfriend for the first time in over a year, and he really liked/likes me. The past tense probably being more suitable for our situation. Though, after this fiasco, I feel like I really don't want to try again.
I don't, really. It hurts too much. Maybe it would be better to just assume the position of "there is no one for me, oh well, buy me a kitten" than to be optimistic.
I wish this wasn't so whiny, but that's how it is. That is my life at the moment. Lots of suck.
School is alright. I understand physics finally- calculus too. Classes, even though I'm taking nineteen credit hours, are quite easy. Then again, it's only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine it will get much harder than this.
Human systems kind of irks me though. Don't get me wrong, history is interesting, but I would really rather be getting my core classes done with and moving on to my major.
Paid for my geo trip that is taking place 11-13 of September. Missing NDK for it, but... you know. I really don't feel as if I fit in anymore. I don't know if it's me leaving others behind or the other way around or both ways, but it's... really sad. But I guess I don't have to worry about seeing Eric if I'm not even there, though.
Someone has really bad breaks...SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH
Been watching DBGT. It cheers me up a bit. Nothing like a good dose of Vegeta to cheer me up. That and a few drinks of diet pepsi but... yeah.
Planning on going to bed relatively early...again. Considering I take allergy pills so I can sleep through the night, it's a good idea. Maybe it's all this stress, but I wake up generally twice during the night. I hate it, so I'm trying to head it off. May just get to the point where I'm taking straight sleeping pills, but I really hope it doesn't get that bad.
I'm keeping up with my homework, so I am doing pretty good.
Well that was me dumping my feelings at you. Enjoy!
distressed
lonely
content