Making a Change:

I don't know if I should say anything seeing as this could not only ruin now, but could also ruin my future.

Cryptic, I know. I just don't want to outright say anything because apparently I don't know what I want. I know what everyone else wants, but what about me? Frankly, I'm tired of making bad choices for myself.

This is a problem even watching youtube videos of Rob Thomas cannot fix.

In other news, I haven't updated in a while! Therefore, I must update you.
Last monday night I went with Ben to the Break and Repair Method concert (I guess it was ACTUALLY Matt Nathanson's but...whatever Matt). I MET Paul Doucette. I texted cindy and michelle about it but they didn't really give me the reaction I wanted considering they know how in love with Matchbox Twenty I am. But I MET him. I have a picture of me with him, but I am lazy and don't want to post it.

Failed Macro exam. Got 80 on the Geo exam. I'm stressing. I need money.

Ugh. this doesn't even hold a candle to everyones recent updates. I just don't know what I can or cannot say. Shouldn't care, I know, but I do.

I'm pondering life and where I want to end up. I want a life that is moving like a good song. I want a love that keeps me strong. I want a house with a hundred acres of land. I want to feel like I'm doing something worth my while. I want friends that are here to stay.
I want to be a rock; and anchor. I want to hold it together.
I want some space and time.
But really, what I want most of all is to be happy with my own life.

Today was eventful.
spent the night at Sam's. She...has been very suportive and even though she was the girl Eric HAD cheated on me with...it's really hard to explain.
we're just going to skip that.

ANYway. she...made me feel loads better (not that everyone else hasn't of course!) by just refusing to talk about Eric with me. Every time I tried she was just like "Rachel..." and gave me this look. After all, that's what I have a blog for, eh?

watched movies. Left a few there for her to watch. She hasn't seen Walk the Line which is...fantastic. I'm sure that's not EXACTLY how June and Johnny got together, but the actors chosen for them were perfect (and Reese has a better singing voice than June did :D haha).

Got home. Ben and Caley were online. Both asked to do something. To be fair, I went with Ben first because he DID ask first. Caley I am seeing tomorrow. :D yaaay. imisscaley

Ben took me to Blockbuster where we chose out three movies. Little Miss Sunshine, Lucky Number Slevin, and The Whore's Son. Went to Ben's house.

It was awkward. I asked Ben if anyone else was home. "no, just Chris, Jenn, and us." so I went to see Chris really quick because it's been a while. I walk in and freaking ERIC AND STEVEN are on the floor. I ignore Eric and Steven. Walk up to Chris, give him a hug, and walk out.

I was doing so well.

After being at Sam's house, I was really not thinking about Eric as much. Well, at Blockbuster when Ben asked when I saw movies I answered him truthfully with the "I saw it with Eric" but it was more of a "yeah, saw it. next movie" type thing. You know?

But...after that and SEEING how he didn't give a shit, I just got pissed off.
Still want to stab him in the face.
I emailed him the other day telling him to stop acting like I was the one that broke up with him. He has blocked me, he won't return my emails, even after he said he wanted to be friends. It pisses me off. He was lucky I was even trying to be CIVIL let alone FRIENDS.
ughhh.

But the rest of the evening was fun. Messed around with Chris, Ben, and Jenn (chris' girlfriend). Sooo much fun I tell you.

Ben got out the pictures. I found one with Eric and I curled up under a blanket. It was...cute. I remember it. Those were the times when I thought that nothing could stop me, you know?
I was invincible.


But...I am still. I'll beat this...eventually. Until then I'll be whining. It's funny because I know I'll look back and be like " oooohhh the angst" or "ugggggh I was such a whiney little girl" but at least I know that now, right?
( This is Eric-based. watch out )

Majority of today will be dedicated to SciTech.
Finish math (if we had any? >.>) later tonight. Chem....too I guess. Everyone gets it but me. Guess that's what I get for being gone.


Iamsoscared.
I like where my life is heading right now.
Honestly, my eyes have opened up to what I've been missing. In time I'll appreciate that I was single during this stressful time.

You know, if you take a look around you, things aren't so bad. Look out the window, you see the geese flying. It's calming. Look over the snow-covered plain. It's all just waiting there.

For me.

The sun is shining, I am breathing, I have friends, so what else do I need?
Love of the spousal kind can wait.
Love of my friends, family, and what is around me is out there right now.


Wecandoit.
We can make it.
We will make it.
I know we will.