Making a Change:

Dropping Diff EQ sometime within the next week. Failsauce.

I'm a terrible person.

Oh, and a bitch too, can't forget that one.


Rock on.

SHITFUCKDAMN

updates later. I SHOULD study physics at least a little before my test.

I don't know how to take life in stride.
I guess that's my problem, things hold me back.
Slowly my thinking processes are coming back- nothing compared to what they were a couple years ago, but that's what you get for keeping a shoddy boyfriend and having to worry all the time about what he did behind my back.

Lately I've taken to volunteering a lot, it keeps my mind occupied between classes.


Problem: I can't express myself without throwing myself at you or just blurting out something I shouldn't have said.

Also, I have a tendency of not being...overly mature. Though, if being mature means getting drunk and having buttloads of sex, it's not for me. I can get my thrills somewhere else.



For a while I wanted to be cynical and distanced. I could, if I really wanted to. No one would like me afterward, but it could be done.



Honestly, I think I'm okay this way...but just okay. I'm not great by any means. whoever says so is selling something.

School is stressful...kind of, right now. I missed an assignment the other day and I've been working really hard to make sure it doesn't happen again. Tomorrow is my long day, I will need to eat before calc tomorrow, and then head to my chem lab in Coolbaugh 220. I'm kind of looking forward to it, kind of not. On one hand, it's chemistry. On the other, I don't get lunch for three hours (strike that, four).
So pretty much, by the time I am getting out I have about one and a half hours to get my food and finish EPICS crap.


Going out with Josh tomorrow. The plan SO FAR is that I'm going to Boulder and we're going to have tea, do a twilight hike, and then watch a movie.

I must say, Josh has some awesome date ideas. I've never actually been to a tea shop, and as of this time last week I had never been to any performance bar/things.

This is pretty sweet.

Still, I wish you'd stop ignoring me : /

Sometimes I feel defective.
I'm not as smart as people say I am. This is something I KNOW. One day I was walking with Sam down the third floor while waiting for Ms. Maloy to get out of a meeting with Mr. Curnett. He comes out and they start bragging about each of us. Mr. Curnett then says "oh, I've heard about you! Everyone's talking about how smart you are and how you're going to Mines."

Yeah. Not really, I tell myself. I'm still thinking it was a fluke.
Smart. yeah. Sure.

How can you be considered smart if you don't know a thing about what is out in the world? I can pull theories out the wazoo, but I have no idea what to do when presented with a real-life dilemma.

angst angst angst.
I love how my mother puts me in these moods.
"You need to get fives Rachel."
"Mom, I am PRAISED if I get just a THREE"
"well you need fives."
"Mom..."
"Fives Rachel. Or you will be living at home"

heck no. I want out.
I think I am becoming my Aunt Cherie
She left, and rarely talked to the rest of the family. I have a feeling I will do the same exact thing. Not that I want to, but what can you do when you are never good enough?

Which leads to relationships.
I guess the Matthew thing never worked out. He is currently ignoring me, so I'm doing my best to avoid him. Still have the butterflies when he comes around but...that will end I'm hoping. Talked to Seth about that in Lang. He was like "yeah, he says that most people don't meet his standards" and I was all down. "oh. Guess I didn't cut it then, neh?" laughed to make it seem like it didn't matter.

We all know what I spent most of the day thinking about.
"Why am I not good enough?"
It's not so much that I get depressed over it (though I do, slightly), but it bugs me that there is this part of me that someone sees as "imperfect". I constantly want to better myself, and even though I know I should only consider what I think is imperfect, what other people consider as imperfect makes me do a double-take. "Do I really have that big of a nose?" "How can I be so lame at talking to boys?"
Then I find if I SHOULD fix it or not, then adjust accordingly.
"My nose is aristocratic and fits my personality" "It's not me, it's them not being able to talk to a girl."

I miss that stupid feeling. I don't want to be the best, I just want to be good enough.